Airplane Ride

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." 

So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." 

So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars." 

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands. 

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." 

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."  

Two Cops

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?”

"Yes?”

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”

"Have you arrested the woman?”

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

An A, B, C, Wife

After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

 

She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"

 

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

 

She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" 

 

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!" 

 

The swelling in his eyes is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic that with a lot of physical therapy he will walk again.

Husband's Temper

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

 

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

 

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

 

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

 

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

Be Careful! CAREFUL!

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. 

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" 

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. 

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" 

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. 

"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" 

The wife runs to the fri- 

"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!" 

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. 

She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs." 

The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.

Missing Wife

Husband:    My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Officer:    Age?  

Husband:    I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60.  We don't do birthdays.

Officer:   Height?  

Husband:     I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall.

Officer:   Weight?

Husband:     Don't know.  Not slim, not really fat.

Officer:    Color of eyes?

Husband:    Sort of brown I think  Never really noticed.

Officer:    Color of hair?

Husband:   Changes a couple times a year.  Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Officer:    What was she wearing?

Husband:    Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts.  I don't know exactly.

Officer:    What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:     She went in my truck.

Officer:    What kind of truck was it?

Husband :    A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets.  I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Officer:    Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.

Motorcycle Accident

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

 

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

 

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.

 

"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said,

 

Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.

 

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

 

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

 

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

 

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,"I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now.

 

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, fluttering the most gorgeous eyelashes I've ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

 

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

Going to the Pub

A fed up wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff."

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Barrel of Beer

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the Mrs.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake the neighbors."

"I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs" he shouted.

"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted back.

"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"

The Hotel Stay

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?" 

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... That's a maintenance matter."

The Boss of Me

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage...

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.

It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

Bad News

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said. “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.” 

Family Court

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?

Wife: Because I couldn't lift the table!

The Counselor

A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The counselor asks, "What's the problem?

The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's bourbon and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn.

She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack Daniels and he would start to calm down. It was amazing! What is it about Jack Daniels that makes it work like that?"

The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick."

The Dark Side of Women

A woman was in town on an all-day shopping binge.

She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. Then her phone rang. 

It was a doctor, a female, notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. 

The woman told the doctor that she'd be there as soon as possible. 

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. After all, she had been married for years, he had provided everything she wanted or needed and now, for the most part, he was just a bother.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. 

Then she remembered her husband. 

Feeling a little guilty, she dashed to the hospital. 

She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. 

The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And HE will now be your career!" 

The woman, finally overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed. 

The woman doctor chuckled and said... "I'm just messing with you. Don't worry, he's dead... Show me what you bought!"

24 Hours to Live

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He went home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live. "Of course, Darling!" she replied. And so they had sex.

Four hours later they were lying in bed and he turned to her again, and said, "You know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responded very sympathetically and agreed to have sex.

Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about we do it again for old times sake?" By this time she was getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agreed.

After they finished, she went back to sleep and 4 hours later, he tapped her on the shoulder again and said, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"

Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, "You know, YOU don't have to get up in the morning... But I do!"

Medical Exam

 A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”

“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “but she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

Relgious Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," replied the sales clerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple"

• The Catholic type supports the masses,
• the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
• the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
• and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Through All The Bad Times

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Needs A Push

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 AM by a loud pounding on their front door. The man struggles out of bed and goes to the door, opens it, and finds an obviously drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain.

Almost snarling because of the inconvenience, the guy says to the drunk,

"Yeah, what do you want?"

"Would you give me a push?" the drunk slurs.

"Are you crazy? Not a chance," the husband answers. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" and slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asked the wife, not helping the situation in the least.

"Some drunk asking for a push," he mumbles.

"Did you help him?" the wife asks.

Now teetering on the edge of exploding, he says, "No! I didn't help him. It's three in the morning and raining like heck outside."

"Well, you've got a very short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember when we were on the way to a party and those two guys helped us? I think you should help this poor man!"

Now wide awake and knowing he'll be unable to go back to sleep, the husband mumbles under his breath, gets dressed, and stands on the front steps in the driving rain.

"Hey, are you still out there?"

"Yeah," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" asks the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

Unable to see anything or anyone in the dark, the husband says, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here. On the swing".