The Boring Pastor

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. 

"The front row please." she answered. 

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." 

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said. 

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked. 

"No." she said. 

"Good," he answered. 

Boy's First Wedding

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly: "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Bats

Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems.

"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."

"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."

"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.

"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.

"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."

Reasoning

Pastor Dave Charlton says, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

"About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!'

It worked!"

I'm Tired

One Sunday afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried!"

Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?"

"Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them!"

Something Religious

The pastor of a church began his sermon with this story: "I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and finally even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could... I don't know... do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."

Secret Service

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!" 


Engineers

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were getting frustrated one morning because a very slow group of golfers were ahead of them.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We have been waiting for 30 minutes for them to finish the hole!

Doctor: I don't know but I have never seen such a slow foursome!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's make our complaint to him "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They are ruining our morning, being so slow."

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They all lost their sight while saving our club house... You remember the fire. So we let them play here anytime, free of charge.

Priest: That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them at mass.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for them.

Engineer: So why can't those guys play at night?