Gone Swimming

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After he ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and  the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

The Boss of Me

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage...

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.

It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

Saying Grace

A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers.

"I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

Enter Heaven

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Reason For Marriage

A minister was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. "Do you love her?"

The old man replied, "I guess."

"Is she a good Christian woman?"

"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.

"Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor.

"I doubt it."

"Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked.

"She can drive at night," the old man said.

One Easter Sunday

One Easter Sunday in a large Baptist church in Birmingham, the minister decided to have all the young children come forward to the front of the sanctuary in their new Easter outfits for a quick "children's sermon." He couldn't help but notice one especially pretty little blond-haired, blue-eyed girl about five or six years old. She was wearing a beautiful white frilly dress, with rows and rows of ruffles head to toe. But she had such a sad expression on her face.

Trying to cheer her up, the minister called her by name, and said "you look so lovely this morning. And I know you will wear that dress a lot because it is so gorgeous."

Sadly, she shook her head, and said, "no, preacher, I won't ever wear this dress again."

Naturally, he couldn't imagine that response... so he said, "but, honey, you look so beautiful in that dress."

The little girl said, "well, thank you preacher, but I will never wear this dress again."

The minister said, "well, I just have to ask you why... when it is so pretty."

She very matter of factly (and in a rather loud voice) replied, "because my momma says it's a pain to iron!"

Ten Commandments

Bernie and Esther were not the most religious couple and in fact they really only went to church once a year. As they were leaving the church, the minister said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"

"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

"That's great," the minister said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."

"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."

Inspiring Music

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood.

"Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

Just at that moment, the organist started playing, "The Star Spangled Banner."

What The Marriage Will Be Like

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?" And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

What A Night

Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get arrested, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words.

He says, "I am from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires.

Punishment

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

Then, when the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!"

The End Is Near

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Fishing Clergy

Three clergymen were sitting in a boat, fishing. "I'm thirsty," said the first. "I'm going to go get myself a Coke." So he gets out of the boat, walks across the water, and comes back with his Coke.

"Ooh, that looks good," said the second and he gets out of the boat. He walks across the water, gets his Coke, and comes back.

"You're right," said the third. "I think I'll get one too." He steps out of the boat and sinks like a rock.

"Hey," said the first clergyman to the second, "think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

Drunk Driving

A minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says,

"Sir, have you been drinking?"

The minister answers, "Just water, officer."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

Loud Whistle

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Little Johnny's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence.

After church, the minister asked Johnny, "Johnny, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Little Johnny answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle and He just then did!"

What To Be Thankful For

The minister of the church was giving a Thanksgiving service.

A ragged man in the audience asked, "What is there to be thankful for?"

Surprised, the minister replied, "What is your name,sir?"

"Cause," was the reply.

"Well Cause, you could be thankful for your healthy body..."

"I'm blind and I have lung cancer."

"...or your family..."

"I don't have a family."

"...or your home..."

"I don't have a home."

"Well, then I guess you're a lost Cause!"

Lesson To Be Learned With Four Worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

• The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
• The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
• The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
• The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

• First worm in alcohol? Dead.
• Second worm in cigarette smoke? Dead.
• Third worm in chocolate syrup? Dead.
• Fourth worm in good clean soil? Dead.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Marge was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms."

That pretty much ended the service.