It's Hard To Be Southern

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "'Bout what?"

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An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here - muh house is on fahr!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

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Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?

Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

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Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.

I went to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Sue got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Sue didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Betty Sue with me."

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Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

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Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

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What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?

Documentaries.

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Where was the toothbrush invented?

Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

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A new law was recently passed in South Carolina so that when a couple divorced, they're still brother and sister.

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What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?

No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

Where You Live

You live in Arizona when...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and Are You Kidding Me!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You Live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.

You Live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when....

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Southern Sayings

It's so dry here, the fish are knocking on the door, askin' for a drink of water.

He disappeared like a belch in a wind storm.

Who blew out your pilot light?

I'm so hungry I could lick the sweat off a cafeteria window!

It's so good, it'd make a freight train take a dirt road!

My stomach's full, but my mouth ain't satisfied!

Well now! Don't that just fry your tater?

That steak's so rare, a good vet could save it!

That's about as easy as nailin' Jell-O to the wall.

That feller ain't nothin' but an appetite with skin drawn over it.

I'm old and ugly, but I can still pull up to the table three times a day.

You can't chew with somebody else's teeth.

When foxes pack the jury box, the chicken's always guilty!

That's like tryin' to sneak sunup past a rooster!

Noisier than a mule in a tin barn.

Sexy as socks on a rooster.

Mad as a mule chewin' bumblebees.

A fartin' horse never tires.

You shut the barn door after your horse got out.

You're about as useful as a bucket under a bull!

Now that he's sowed his wild oats, he's hopin' for crop failure!

He's so bad, he'd fight a circle saw!

He's all vines, and no taters.

He'll never drown in his own sweat.

It's like tryin' to poke a cat out from under the porch with a rope.

His feet's so big, he has to put his britches on over his head.

I felt like a bastard at a family reunion.

If you shake his hand, count your fingers.

If she heard that, she'd lay square eggs.

He's about two jumps ahead of a fit.

If fat geese were sellin' for 10 cents a pound, I couldn't buy a hummingbird.

If it costs a dollar to go around the world, I couldn't get out of sight.

That chili's so hot, it can make a cat pass a motorcycle!

He looks like he's been beat through hell with a soot bag.

You're about two bubbles off plumb.

I think the butter's slipped off your biscuit.

He's as happy as a puppy waggin' two tails.

You're goin' up fool's hill on the slippery side.

Folks who get all wrapped up in themselves, sure do make small packages.

You'll never get indigestion from swallowing you own pride.

Who licked the red off your candy?

Two heads are better than one - even if one is a knothead.

Who pissed in your cornflakes?

If I knew I would live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.

She's so good lookin', it'd make a dog break his chain!

Redneck Love Poem

Collards are green,

my dog's name is Blue

and I'm so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flappin in the breeze.

Softer than Blue's

and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,

which excite me in may.

You ain't got no scales

but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry

jist a-fry'n in the pan.

Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"

right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth

for which I am proud.

I hold my head high

when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,

when you shave under yore arms,

well, I'm in hawg heaven

and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,

they all want to know,

what I did to deserve

such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape

yo're there fer yore man,

to patch up life's troubles

and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug

a-buzzin' overhead.

You ain't mean like those far ants

I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth

like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life

more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight

like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete.

Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin'

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me "n" you's like a moon pie

with a RC cold drank,

we go together

like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate

for a Valentine's Day,

they git it at Wal-Mart,

it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses

on that special day

for the cooler at Krogers,

that's impressive, I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

"Diamonds are forever,"

they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,

these won't do.

Cause yo're too special,

you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds...

It's a new troll'n motor!

Tips For Moving South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy the food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor." You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, Have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.