English Professor

One of the courses I taught when I was a college professor was Freshman English. To my first class of students I described the basic parts of an essay: "Remember, the three parts of an essay are the Introduction, the Body, and the Confusion". 

Flying Turtle

A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first into the ground.

Slightly dazed the turtle gets up and starts climbing the tree again. This time the turtle passes the first branch, and starts crawling along a higher, less sturdy branch. Once again he reaches the end, hesitates, and then jumps off flailing wildly and end over end until he smashes head first into the ground.

This time the turtle seems clearly shaken up, but resolutely starts climbing the tree again. He bypasses both the first and second branch and climbs out the highest, most shaky branch. This time when he reaches the end of the branch he looks over and waves at two birds watching him.

The birds look at one another when the male bird says: I think it's time we tell him he is adopted.

Honesty

Yup, some people can’t handle the truth! 

My Favorite Animal 

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." 

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. 

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. 

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. 

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. 

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. 

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. 

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." 

Guess where the heck I am now...

Federal Office Worker

A federal office worker finds a lamp in an old file drawer and as he examines it a genie pops out. For his first of three traditional wishes, he wants to be on a beautiful deserted Island. 

Poof! There he is. 

Next, of course, he wants the gorgeous babes, and Poof! There they are. 

Finally, he realizes he must sustain this great life and wishes he would never have to work.

Poof! He's back at the office. 

The Flag Pole

Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”

She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.

She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all woman’" he said,  “We need

the height and she gives us the length!”

Can You Get Married in Heaven?

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. 

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. 

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? 

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. 

St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate. 

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven". 

“Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” 

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground. 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple". 

“OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here... Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?”

Don't Jump

A group of bikers were riding west on I-74 through Illinois when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' on the other side of that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he said . . . 

"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, why don't you just give me your best last kiss?"

With no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that.

It was a long, deep, lingering kiss - followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper!

George said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" 

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

(It's still unclear if she jumped or was pushed!)

Airplane Ride

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." 

So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." 

So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars." 

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands. 

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." 

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."  

Good Night's Sleep

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.

"No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

Two Cops

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?”

"Yes?”

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”

"Have you arrested the woman?”

"No sir. The floor is still wet."