New York City

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk. He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"

"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."

The Mugger

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.

Counterfeiter

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phoney $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.

He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. Ya'll want 2 nines, or 3 sixes?"

They Stole Everything

It was a cold Canadian winter in our little cabin in the woods.

Burglars had taken nearly every stitch of clothing owned by me and my wife. We decided that I had to try and break through the snowdrifts to get some help.

All we had to wear between us was a polka dot miniskirt. Somehow, I squeezed into it. I knew I could stay warm enough now as I went for help.

My wife sent out a garbled S. O. S message on the Mounted Police band with our ham radio. She said: "Help us, we are the Robinsons! They've taken everything. All our food and clothing. We're trying to come for help. We'll be wearing a polka dot miniskirt, heading east."

I waved goodbye to my wife and headed out the door into the snowy wasteland. A few hours later I heard horses. Urging my freezing legs forward, I came upon two mounted police. Both of their jaws dropped as they saw me.

Apparently, they had expected to rescue a damsel in this dress.

Safe Cracker

A burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob." He did so.

Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

Stolen Paintings

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to post a joke like this!