Bear on the Roof

A man in Malmo, Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

 

He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."

He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

 

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

 

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat, and when the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

 

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof first, shoot that damn dog!" 

Attacked by an Alligator

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small 22 cal Beretta Pistol :

  

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

  

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

  

Here's her story in her own words:

  

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.  She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

  

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was a big bonus!"

Blonde in the Emergency Room

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, "I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. 

So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.""

Fire At The Gas Station

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.

The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands, and the fire crawled up her arm.

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked and took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened, and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.

All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her in the leg. This took everyone by surprise.

The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

What A Friend

A father and son wanted to hunt on a friend's property, so they called him and made arrangements for a date. Early in the morning they arrived on the appointed day, and the son went up to the friend's house and told him that they were ready to start the hunt.

The friend told him where to hunt and asked him to do him a little favor. "When you pass the barn, shoot that old mule. He's about 40 years old, but we don't have the heart to kill him."

The son, thinking he could have a little fun with his father, said, "Dad, that so-and-so friend of ours changed his mind and now he won't let us hunt on his property so I think I'll just walk over there and kill his mule." He grabbed his gun, walked over and shot the old mule.

He had started back to the car when he heard bang, bang, and his father yelling, "You were right about our friend, Son, so I killed two of his cows!"

Blonde's Attempted Suicide

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Poor O'l Zeek

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge. Into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up,"Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun.

He takes careful aim. BANG... BANG... BANG... BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"

Californians

A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"

The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!"

The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."