Forgiveness

A preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied, he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

"I don't have any."

"Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?

"Ninety seven."

"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety seven and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy. I just outlived the sons of bitches."

Just Like Jesus

One day an old Catholic Priest was dying. He sent a message for a doctor and lawyer, both members of his congregation, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, he held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed. Then he grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, and smiled.

For a long time no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would want them with him during his final moments. He had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. His sermons in the past about greed and various other behavior had made them squirm in their seats many a time.

Finally the doctor asked, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come and see you at this time?"

The old man mustered up some strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves... and that's how I wanted to go."

Passing The Plate

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said...

"Brothers and Sisters, I don't like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner's wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name."

Later, as he counted the money he found 20 five dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read "Forever hold your peace, I'll have that other three dollars before sundown."