Christmas Tree Controversy

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?

YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use

MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use

FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits

REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs

CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?

YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm

MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team

FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles

REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?

YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype

MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt

FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas

REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts

CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?

YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills

MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree

FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti

REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree

CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning

YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules

MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football

FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present

REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway

Balance

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is continent of black people. Balance in all things."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and

they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

Want To Be Healed?

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War. Could you help me?"

"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively. "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on government disability!"

We're Misbehaving

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

No?

I didn't get one either.