Attacked by an Alligator

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small 22 cal Beretta Pistol :

  

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

  

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

  

Here's her story in her own words:

  

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.  She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

  

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was a big bonus!"

Valentines

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Three Wishes Ten Times

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore.She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him.

As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.

The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.

The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach.

In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points down the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.

Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But,before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish...

I'd like to give birth to twins."

I Want A Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

Good: Your husband is not talking to you.

Bad: He wants a divorce.

Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.

Bad: He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Ugly: With corrections.

Divorced Barbie

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for
his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the
window?", he asks the shop assistant.

She responds, "Which Barbie? We have
Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to
the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for
$19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie
Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie
for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from
all the others?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the assistant asks. "Divorced
Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's
boat, Ken's furniture..."

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. Do you hear me?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."