Two Cops

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?”

"Yes?”

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”

"Have you arrested the woman?”

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Missing Wife

Husband:    My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Officer:    Age?  

Husband:    I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60.  We don't do birthdays.

Officer:   Height?  

Husband:     I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall.

Officer:   Weight?

Husband:     Don't know.  Not slim, not really fat.

Officer:    Color of eyes?

Husband:    Sort of brown I think  Never really noticed.

Officer:    Color of hair?

Husband:   Changes a couple times a year.  Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Officer:    What was she wearing?

Husband:    Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts.  I don't know exactly.

Officer:    What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:     She went in my truck.

Officer:    What kind of truck was it?

Husband :    A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets.  I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Officer:    Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.

No Dumping

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head." 

"Yep," he replied. "That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says:  ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’" 

Pulled Over

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. 
  
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" 

The driver replied, "Bout whut?" 

His New Corvette

A Florida citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.     


Taking off down the road he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the blowing wind through what little hair he had left.  'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. 


Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I’m too old for this!' and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. 


Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.   


Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before– I’ll let you go.." 


The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." 


"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper. 

How to Beat the Meter Maids

1. Select your parking spot.

2. Park your car.

3. Get out of the car and lock it.

4. Head off to where you are going, and take your windshield wipers with you!

Speeding Ticket

A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

Road Accident

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?"

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!"

Calling His Employee

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

Late Night Traffic Stop

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2:00 am and is asked where is is going at this time of the night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of the night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Texas Traffic Stop

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road, big mouth, you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that crap with me!'"

Too Much to Drink

Late in the evening an officer noticed a man leaving a bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station, this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Parking Tickets

I went to the store the other day and was only there for about five minutes. When I came out, there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I said something to him that seriously questioned his intelligence.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

This went on for about twenty minutes, but I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

Don't Mess With Older Ladies

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem, Sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

I've Been Robbed

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a dog handler unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"

Fire At The Gas Station

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.

The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands, and the fire crawled up her arm.

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked and took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened, and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.

All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her in the leg. This took everyone by surprise.

The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

Company Security

Several years ago I worked for a small company that had frequent break-ins. In response, the company installed a new security system with alarms, codes and key pads.

Late one night the alarm went off and the police raced to the scene. Outside the building, wandering around the grounds, they spotted and apprehended a suspect. Since I am the Security Director I got the first call.

The officer said, "We caught the culprit, an old guy. He tried to pass as an employee, but he knows nothing about your business." "Oh, "I said "that's probably the President. You better let him go."

Parking Ticket

Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.

The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.

The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you 57 dollars. Next..."

Traffic Light

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross. A cop was directing traffic. Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The swelling throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion. Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people. Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot as if she was in a hurry to get somewhere, but never budged from the sidewalk. The cop ran the traffic through seven more cycles, each time blowing his whistle and then yelling "Okay, pedestrians!" The blonde never moved. Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the eighth time.

The blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"

Lover's Lane

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known parking spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane. And nothing obscene is happening!

"What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes