The Rules Of Housecleaning

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are so expensive."
8. If dusting is really out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

Problems With A Clone

Although the head of a giant bio-technology corporation loved his work dearly, he regretted not having more time to spend with his family. So, he went to the chief research scientist and asked him to come up with a solution.

"That's quite simple, sir. All you need is a clone of yourself to handle the business details and you'll have plenty of time at home."

The executive thought that was great and so the scientist took some cells from the inside of his mouth and began the cloning process. Six months later, the clone was ready and the CEO was anxious to meet his double, but the scientist cautioned him, "Sir, I must tell you that the cloning and accelerated growth procedures we use aren't completely perfected yet. Your clone is exact in every detail except that it has an unfortunate tendency toward foul language."

The executive didn't blink an eye and left for home to enjoy family life as his clone took over the office.

It wasn't long before trouble broke out. Longtime employees were quitting and suing for sexual harassment. The double's foul mouth had offended and lost many major clients and his vulgar tongue was proving to be a disaster to the business.

Knowing that he had to do something and fast, the CEO called his double and asked for a meeting at the restaurant atop company headquarters. The two met and over lunch their argument became more and more heated. The swear words literally poured out of the genetically engineered garbage mouth. He must have run through about every filthy word in the book when the original CEO, completely fed up, hauled off and belted him. The force knocked the double through a plate glass window and he plummeted 30 stories to the sidewalk below.

Within minutes the police arrived and took the CEO into custody and the executive demanded to know the charge. "That should be obvious, sir," the cop said. "You're being arrested for making an obscene clone fall."

Tech Support

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...

Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...

Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...

Customer: I knew it

Technician: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...

Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...

Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...

Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Customer: I need a new power supply...

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...

Bats

Three pastors got together for lunch one day and found all their churches had bat-infestation problems.

"I got so mad," said one, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats."

"I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they returned."

"I haven't had any more problems," said the third.

"What did you do?" asked the others, amazed.

"I simply baptized and confirmed them," he replied. "I haven't seen them since."

The Cat Is In Heaven Now

A little boy went to school one day and while he was gone, his cat got run over by a truck. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."

To which the boy replied, "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"

Horse And Buggy

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away."

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob,... something about the emergency brake.

Watch Your Health

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health."

So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.

It was my grandfather.

Bear Attack

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear."

"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

Rattlesnake Bite

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.

"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.

"He says you're gonna die."

Talking Dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.

"Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what's on the top of a house?"

"Roof!" the dog replies.

"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'."

"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?"

"Rough!" the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!" goes the dog.

And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

The dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

A Special Game

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint… my… house."

Such Language

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat.

"I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says.

The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants.

"Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me," he says.

She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast.

"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin' French toast."

Cost Of Fabric

A pretty girl asked the male clerk at a fabric counter, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Why, only one kiss per yard, " he replied with a smirk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards.

With anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.

"Grandpa will pay the bill, "she smiled.

Knock On The Door

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

Pick A Room

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.

In the first room, people are standing in muck up to their necks.

The guy says "No, let me see the next room."

In the second room, people are standing with muck up to their noses.

Guy says no again.

Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with muck up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries.

The guy says, "I pick this room."

Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.

On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

Vow Of Silence

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's only allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.

"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."

They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words.

"I quit," he says.

"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Reasoning

Pastor Dave Charlton says, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

"About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!'

It worked!"

The Interview

An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

Asking The Time

A blonde is walking down the street and stops a man to ask for the time.

The man, looking at his watch, helpfully responds, "Why, certainly! The time is now four o'clock."

The blonde scratches her head and says, "You know, it's really weird. I've been asking people that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer!"

What I Love Most About You

"What do you love most about me," a husband asked his wife, "my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?"

"What I love most about you," responded the man's wife, "is your enormous sense of humor."

Get Out!

The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of the factory. Walking through the warehouse he noticed a young man lazily leaning against a packing crate.

The factory owner angrily said, "Just how much are you being paid?"

The young man replied, "Twelve hundred dollars a week."

The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off 12, hundred dollar bills and shouted at the young man: "Here is a week's pay. Now get out and don't come back!"

Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and left.

The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement.

"Tell me," the boss asked him, "How long has that guy worked for us?"

"He didn't work here," replied the warehouse manager, "He was just the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package."

Saving The President

Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC. One day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help."

Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the cries, they eventually come upon President Obama drowning in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving his life. After a few minutes, Obama says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as long as it is within my power as President!"

The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?"

"You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!"

Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis. Can you get me in?"

"You bet I can," said the President. "I'll sign the papers for it this afternoon, too."

After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I'd like to know, can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?"

Bush, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said, "Sure, but tell me, aren't you awfully young to be thinking about such things?"

"Nope," replied the remaining fellow. "Because when I get home and tell my old man what I did today, he's going to kill me!"

My Brother's Crazy

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken."

The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?"

The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

Too Young To Die

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five."

"Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two."

"How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks.

St. Peter answers: "We added up your billable hours."

Stranded On An Island

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

Kid Never Learns

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

Stanley Cup Finals

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

What Do I Look Like?

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.

"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.

"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.

Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."

"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

I've Been Robbed

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a dog handler unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"

They're Dying

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs.

Someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.

Boxing Match

There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says "Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him."

As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 65-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry.

The Voice

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business."

He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million."

After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.

The voice says "Saul, go to Las Vegas."

He asks why.

"Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."

He obeys, goes to a casino.

Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."

He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.

"Saul, take a card."

"What? The dealer has..."

"Take a card!"

He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

"Saul, take another card."

"What?"

"Take another card!"

He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty.

"Saul, take another card," the voice commands.

"I have twenty!" Saul shouts.

"Take another card!" booms the voice.

"Hit me,Saul says."

He gets another ace. Twenty one!

The booming voice goes: "un-bleaping-believable!"

Away On Business

A guy tells his psychiatrist "It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"

"Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn't see the email."

You Are Drunk

A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk."

Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

The Mugger

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.

Nothing's Worse

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

One In A Million

China has a population of over a billion people. One billion!

That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

We Deliver

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Hawaii for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."

Tax Deductible

Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I'll try."

"Do you know Sam Cohen?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $25,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"

"He will!"

When To Quit Golf

The following are some signs of when it is time to quit Golf, particularly when your group members keep asking if you like bowling all the time:

1. You have had three putts and your group members tell you that you're still away.
2. You can remember for a week the one good shot you had in the round.
3. The ball retriever is the most often used piece of equipment in your bag.
4. You and your group have rules for Mulligans.
5. You have more than the regulation 14 clubs in your bag including 3 putters.
6. You leave the pin in when you are on the fringe 8 feet from the pin in the hope it will stop your ball.
7. You have the thought you that if you hole out from 140 yards you can still make bogie.
8. The starter leaves a one hour gap after your tee off time.
9. When you call fore on a par three, and everyone runs to the green for safety.
10. The club has named a pond in front of the green after you.

I'm Tired

One Sunday afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried!"

Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?"

"Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them!"

Fire At The Gas Station

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.

The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands, and the fire crawled up her arm.

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked and took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened, and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.

All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her in the leg. This took everyone by surprise.

The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

Talk About Taxes

• This year in the US, there were 7 different ways to file your income taxes. Unfortunately, all of them were wrong.
• Seems to me the only possible fair tax structure is one that allows everyone to cheat evenly.
• With the quality of education declining in the US, and even colleges turning out semi-literate idiots, I understand the IRS is considering a new simplified tax form where all you have to do is color it in.
• The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.
• The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
• There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
• When I look at my pay stub (with all those tax deductions) and then look at my pay check, I wish they would let me cash my pay stub.

Political Correctness For Kids

• Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive."
• Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
• You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
• No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."
• You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
• You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
• It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information."
• The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
• Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
• You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."
• You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
• You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
• You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.

Homework Paper

Little Benny was looking depressed, so his fourth grade teacher, Miss Feldman, asked, "What's the problem, Benny? I hope it's not homework again..."

"Well, uh, yes it is, mam" replied Little Benny. "I made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Benny, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," Miss Feldman said, "but this once, I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but it's worse than that..." replied Little Benny, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked!

Something For The House

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she said.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.

"Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to help him, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"

He answered, "A round of drinks!"

Plants

The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet.

She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."

Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie' flower!"

Teeth

As the old saying goes, "Ignore your teeth, and they'll go away." Here are some helpful hints for keeping that smile bright and healthy for years to come:

• Maintaining an entire mouthful of 32 healthy teeth can be a dauntingtask. Instead, just focus on 10 or 12 of your favorites.
• Toothbrush technology has made remarkable leaps in recent years. Select a toothbrush so advanced, you have no clue how to use it.
• If, while flossing, your gums begin to bleed, give them at least six months to heal before attempting to floss again.
• Befriend a tiny African bird with whom you can develop a symbiotic relationship in which he picks fragments of food from your teeth.
• Avoid patronizing dentists who received their degrees from the University Of Berlin Dental School between 1932 and 1945.
• To reduce wear and tear on your teeth, stick to soft foods like pudding and frosting.
• Remember those red tablets they used to pass out at school that, when chewed, revealed the invisible plaque on your teeth? Those were so cool.
• Brushing should always be done up and down, not with violent stabbing motions.
• Brush in the morning and before bed, as well as before and after every meal. Quit your job if necessary.
• If Toothopolis is threatened by the Cavity Creeps, immediately activate the alarm that shouts, "Cre-est!... Cre-est!"
• If you wear dentures, avoid soaking them in Coca-Cola overnight.
• An electric toothbrush is an excellent choice if you are so lazy that you can't even move a toothbrush up and down.
• Dentists have built an entire industry on the perception that they and they alone can provide dental care. Come on, use your common sense.

It's Hard To Be Southern

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "'Bout what?"

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An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here - muh house is on fahr!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

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Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?

Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

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Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii.

I went to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Sue got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Sue didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Betty Sue with me."

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Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

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Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

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What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?

Documentaries.

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Where was the toothbrush invented?

Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

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Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

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A new law was recently passed in South Carolina so that when a couple divorced, they're still brother and sister.

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What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?

No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

Mensa Test

Question: What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: The answer is bread. If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else before you hurt yourself. If you said "bread", go to the next question.

Question: Say "silk" five times. Now, spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World." If you said "water", then proceed to the next question.

Question: If a red house is made with red bricks, a blue house is made with blue bricks, a pink house is made with pink bricks, a black house is made with black bricks, what is a greenhouse made with?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to the next question.

Question: Twenty five years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, Two of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing. Unfortunately, the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no-man's-land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no-man's-land?"

Answer: You don't, of course, bury the survivors. If you said anything else, you are a real dunce and you must never try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated... If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

Question: If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute, then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything else other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

Question: Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. Now, what was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for Heaven's sake... It was you!

Gas

A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border... when he saw a large sign... "Last Chance For $2.95 Gas!"

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"

The attendant replied, "$2.65"

Legal Advice

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.

The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.

When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."

What The Store Employees Really Mean

1. "Can I help you get a size?" Don't touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don't need your hands messing it up again.
2. "Do you need help with anything?" Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.
3. "Welcome" Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.
4. "Have a nice day!" Now that you ruined mine.
5. "Thank you for shopping" Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!
6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?" The more you can carry, the more you can buy!
7. "I love your shirt! Where did you get it?" Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here, why are you even shopping here?
8. "Can I help you get something down?" I'll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put in the absolute wrong place.
9. "Don't worry about folding it, I can do it" You would just mess it up again if you folded it.
10. "No, we don't have any more in the back" I just don't want to check.

Lawyer Fees

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."

The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

Enter Heaven

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Senior Health Care Solution

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives.

Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison.

Once there you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need!

New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart All covered.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?

Suspected Terrorists

Building Security has notified us that there have been Five suspected terrorists working at our office. Four of the five have been apprehended. Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office. Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot. They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.

Quit Drinking

A guy comes in to a bar and orders a double whiskey. He drinks it and looks in his pocket. Then he orders another one, drinks it and looks in his pocket again.

This is repeated a dozen times before the bartender asks him what he is doing.

He replies, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife. When she gets good looking, I quit drinking..."

Something Religious

The pastor of a church began his sermon with this story: "I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and finally even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could... I don't know... do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."

Examination

An elderly fellow was taken to the hospital for an examination of his circulatory system. When he got home, his wife asked what had happened.

He said, "They worked this gadget into my artery and up into my heart, and then they sucked out thirty years of chocolate cake."

Who Was That?

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

Aching Knee

Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"

"98!" Johnson announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again... Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"

Do Something Nice

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

Business Hours

Open most days about 9:00 or 10:00,

Occasionally as early as 7:00,

But some days as late as 12:00 or 1:00.

We close about 5:30 or 6:00,

Occasionally about 4:00 or 5:00.

But sometimes as late as 11:00 or 12:00.

Some days or afternoons, we aren't here at all.

And lately I've been here about all the time,

Except when I'm somewhere else.

But I should be here then too.

Perfect Opening

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, "We have the perfect opening for a person like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

Company Security

Several years ago I worked for a small company that had frequent break-ins. In response, the company installed a new security system with alarms, codes and key pads.

Late one night the alarm went off and the police raced to the scene. Outside the building, wandering around the grounds, they spotted and apprehended a suspect. Since I am the Security Director I got the first call.

The officer said, "We caught the culprit, an old guy. He tried to pass as an employee, but he knows nothing about your business." "Oh, "I said "that's probably the President. You better let him go."

Vaccination

Little Johnny went to the Doctor to get a vaccination. After the shot, the Doc pulled out a Band-Aid and started to cover the spot on his arm. Johnny asked him to put it on the other arm.

"But, I put it over where you got the shot to let others know that it's tender and they shouldn't touch it," replied the Doc.

Answered Johnny, " You really don't know much about little boys, do you ?"

Union Meeting

A union shop steward is addressing a union meeting - "Comrades. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work four days a week."

"Hooray!" says the crowd.

"We will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM."

"Hooray!" says the crowd, again.

"We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."

"Hooray!" says the crowd, again.

"We have a 150% pay rise."

"Hooray!" says the crowd, again.

"We will only work on Wednesdays."

Silence... then a very disappointed voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"

Reason For Marriage

A minister was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. "Do you love her?"

The old man replied, "I guess."

"Is she a good Christian woman?"

"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.

"Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor.

"I doubt it."

"Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked.

"She can drive at night," the old man said.

Telling Lies

Little Johnny's teacher was having trouble with him disrupting the class by always telling lies and making up stories. So she went to the principal about this and he told her the next time this happened to send little Johnny to his office.

Sure enough here came little Johnny and the principal was ready to teach him a lesson.

He told Johnny to take a seat, he wanted to tell him a story. He said, "Johnny, the other day I decided to go duck hunting but I only had two shots. So, I fired my first shot and killed two ducks. They were falling out of the sky and fell into a tree, where they hit four squirrels and killed them. So, the two ducks and four squirrels came falling to the ground where they hit two rabbits and killed them. Just as I was going to gather up my animals, a bear came out and started to get them. "Then the weirdest thing happened. A little dog showed up out of nowhere and attacked the bear, so I was able to get all the animals I had killed.

Now, little Johnny, you believe that story don't you?" Little Johnny said,

"Sure I do. That was my dog and that's the third bear he's got this year!"

Navy Parrot

The old Chief finally retired from the Navy and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his lifelong pet parrot. First morning at 0430, the parrot squawked and said, "Off yer hocks and don yer socks. Reveille"

The old chief told the parrot, "we are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep." The next morning, the parrot did the same thing. The old Chief told the parrot, "Look, if you keep this up, I will put you out in the chicken pen."

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen. About 0630, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter.

The parrot had about 40 white chickens in formation and on the ground lay 3 bruised and beaten brown ones. The parrot was saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean Khakis!"

Virus

There's a new virus hoax going around. It's called:

Fake.Virus.imadethisup

If activated, it will delete everything in your brain and make you act like a raving lunatic. It doesn't come as an email attachment so be sure not to open it! It's so tricky, there aren't even any misspellings in the warning!

Pass this on to everyone you know and Bill Gates won't pay you $5000.00 per email. I know someone who's brother's uncle's cousin's girlfriend's cocker spaniel passed it on to everyone in his address book and he's already collecting nothing from Bill Gates!

Additionally, once your brain has been totally deleted it replaces it with a seek and invite utility that will automatically download other fake viruses to your computer. Once these other hoaxes are installed you will drool constantly, scratch yourself in embarrassing places, and you'll release gasses that will demagnetize all the floppy disks within 200 feet!

Furthermore, if you don't pass this warning on to everyone you know, you will have 7 years of good luck! I know someone that knows someone else's sister's cat who didn't pass this on, and they're already having nothing unusual happening to them!

You have been warned...