Answering Machine Message

"I am not available right now,

but thank you for caring enough to call.

I am making some changes in my life.

Please leave a message after the beep.

If I do not return your call,

you are one of the changes."

Phoning His Lawyer

A guy phones a law office and says "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies "I'm sorry, but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing you say that."

Isn't This The Truth!

A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said... loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.

"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric cars, portable computers, cell phones, the Internet... and uh..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them you little twit! What the hell are you doing for the next generation?"

Hotline To God

John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Broncos' bench. He asked Coach Shanahan what it was for and was told it was a hotline to God.

John asked the coach if he could use it, and the coach said, "Sure, but it will cost you $100."

Madden scratched his head, then said, "What the heck, I need some help picking some games." He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100. Madden was perfect that week. The next weekend, Madden was in Seattle when he noticed the same kind of phone near the Seahawks bench.

He asked Coach Holmgren what the phone was for, and Mike said, "It's a hotline to God, and if you want to use it, it will cost you $100."

Recalling the previous week, Madden pulled out his wallet and gladly paid the $100. Once again, Madden was perfect.

The next weekend, Madden was in Dallas at Texas Stadium when he noticed the same phone near the Cowboy's bench. He asked Coach Gailey if it was a hotline to God.

The coach said, "Yes it is. Do you want to use it? It'll cost you 35 cents."

Madden looked at Gailey and said, "Wait a minute! I just paid $100 in Denver and $100 in Green Bay to use the same phone! Why in Dallas do they only charge 35 cents?"

Gailey looked at Madden and replied very matter-of-factly, "In Texas, it's a local call."

Library Complaints

Judi, a natural blonde, stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

Making Trouble

It was last Saturday night, and I was sitting at home watching television when the phone rang.

"Hello?" A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"

I live by myself and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.

"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

Silence on the other end. A confused silence. "Is this Steve?"

My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00."

A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?"

"The girl he went out with."

"I know that! I mean... who is she?"

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"

"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring.

"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?" She exploded this time. "Who's Jennifer?"

Apparently she wasn't.

"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry. It was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and that she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

*Click*

A Tale Of Travel

I left San Francisco heading toward Salt Lake City. I few hours later I need to make a "pit stop." The first stall in the restroom was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated when I heard a voice from the next stall:

"Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in a restroom, and I really don't know

quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:

"Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:

"Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."

Clients Can't Reach The Blonde

A young blonde woman is speaking to her psychiatrist...

Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have cell phone?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox on my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh... How's that working for you?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "Why do you think that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing.