Safe Plane Flight

Whenever I travel by plane someone always says, "Have a safe trip." Since when does a safe plane flight become my responsibility? I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to do! Go kick the tires, drug test the pilot, what? I feel I'm doing my part by not going up to the cockpit every five minutes and asking, "Are we there yet?"

Swatting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Ears Popping

Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight.

They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.

"The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

Signs You've Chosen A No Frills Airline

• You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
• Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
• The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
• When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
• The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
• You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
• No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
• You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
• All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Fiddling Nun

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune.

So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs. and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life!" She sat down again.

From no where, a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

The FAA Inspection

With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.

The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."

Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.

The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."