Space Travel

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian bragged, "We were the first in space!"

The American retorted, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you fool. You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

American History

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it to a practice to visit the classes from time to time. One day, he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History. Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!"

Only In America

1. Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,and a diet coke.
5. Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

American Football

A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand though why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

"What do you mean?"

"All they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'"

Home Of The Brave

Let's see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in America today.

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

And, if your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

God bless America, land of the free, home of the blame.

Foreign Languages

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."