Holiday Guidelines

Subject: Holiday Guidelines

To: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (it runs up an incredible long distance phone bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25.
6. Eggnog will not be dispensed in vending machines.
7. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Letter Of Recommendation

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of Human Resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The Human Resources Director agreed and told Peters that he would have the letter the very next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for seventeen years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Problems With A Clone

Although the head of a giant bio-technology corporation loved his work dearly, he regretted not having more time to spend with his family. So, he went to the chief research scientist and asked him to come up with a solution.

"That's quite simple, sir. All you need is a clone of yourself to handle the business details and you'll have plenty of time at home."

The executive thought that was great and so the scientist took some cells from the inside of his mouth and began the cloning process. Six months later, the clone was ready and the CEO was anxious to meet his double, but the scientist cautioned him, "Sir, I must tell you that the cloning and accelerated growth procedures we use aren't completely perfected yet. Your clone is exact in every detail except that it has an unfortunate tendency toward foul language."

The executive didn't blink an eye and left for home to enjoy family life as his clone took over the office.

It wasn't long before trouble broke out. Longtime employees were quitting and suing for sexual harassment. The double's foul mouth had offended and lost many major clients and his vulgar tongue was proving to be a disaster to the business.

Knowing that he had to do something and fast, the CEO called his double and asked for a meeting at the restaurant atop company headquarters. The two met and over lunch their argument became more and more heated. The swear words literally poured out of the genetically engineered garbage mouth. He must have run through about every filthy word in the book when the original CEO, completely fed up, hauled off and belted him. The force knocked the double through a plate glass window and he plummeted 30 stories to the sidewalk below.

Within minutes the police arrived and took the CEO into custody and the executive demanded to know the charge. "That should be obvious, sir," the cop said. "You're being arrested for making an obscene clone fall."

Company Security

Several years ago I worked for a small company that had frequent break-ins. In response, the company installed a new security system with alarms, codes and key pads.

Late one night the alarm went off and the police raced to the scene. Outside the building, wandering around the grounds, they spotted and apprehended a suspect. Since I am the Security Director I got the first call.

The officer said, "We caught the culprit, an old guy. He tried to pass as an employee, but he knows nothing about your business." "Oh, "I said "that's probably the President. You better let him go."

How To Place New Employees In The Proper Department

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

The Fastest

here were four good ole boys, you know Rednecks from Mississippi, who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job with a company up north in Chicago.

There was Bobby Joe, Billy Joe, Jimmy Joe and John boy. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired...

All applicants agreed that this was fair. The next day the first applicant, Bobby Joe, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."

"Why do you say that?" asked the president.

"Well, a thought takes no time at all," said Bobby Joe...

"it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."

"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

"Next," said the president. The same question was posed to Billy Joe... "What is the fastest thing in the world?" Billy Joe paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."

"Why do you say that?" asked the president.

"Because you don't even think about a blink," said Billy Joe.

"It's just a reflex. you do it in an instant." The president thanked him and said, "Next."

The next person called in was Jimmy Joe and The President asked him what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, Jimmy Joe replied,

"I would have to say electricity."

"Why do you say electricity?" asked the President.

"Because," Jimmy Joe said, "a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on!"

"I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the last candidate, John Boy, was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"

Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"

John Boy said, "Well, last night after dinner, back at the hotel I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps... Before I could think, blink or turn on the lights..."

Petishun

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise.

What's Your Business Sign

1. Marketing: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2. Sales: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3. Technology: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even you don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4. Engineering: One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergonomic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5. Accounting: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6. Human Resources: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch and then mail a letter.
7. Management/Middle Management: Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8. Senior Management: (See above - Same sign, different title)
9. Customer Service: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. Or finish that damn two-year degree...
10. Consultant: Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11. Recruiter/Headhunter: As a "person" that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12. Partner/President/CEO: You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13. Government Worker: Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the term "go postal"

Basketball Game

An inter-office basketball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company.

The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.

To show just how the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2009 Basketball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, winning only one game."

How To Please Your I.T. Deptartment

A quick check list for those who need to make contact with the I.T. Department:

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a no dial tone message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

Software Vs Hardware

Microsoft should make cars, GM should make software.

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

Give Me A Raise

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Did You Hear About The...

• Paper company that folded?
• Bra manufacturers that went bust?
• Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
• Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
• Baker who was short of dough?
• Refrigerator manufacturer that had its assets frozen?
• Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
• Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
• Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
• Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
• Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
• Train company that went off the rails?
• Ship building company that sunk?
• Dental practice that was rotten to it's roots?

Human Resources

Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter of January 14th.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. These past few months I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department on February 1st. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,

Interviewee

Letter To The Manufacturer

After trying a new shampoo for the first time. A guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer. Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.

"Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!

How The Software Industry Works

Programmer to Team Leader:

"We can't do this proposed project. CAN NOT. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these type of projects."

Team Leader to Project Manager:

"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:

"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it."

1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager:

"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project, but with caution."

Senior Level Manager to CEO:

"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances."

CEO to Client:

"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame."

Staff Memos

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot.

Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.