T-shirt Season Almost Over

With school back in session and a definite cooling in the evening air, we can predict more flannel and fewer short sleeves. A quick look back over a few of the great T-Shirts of this past summer

I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

(on a field of dandelions)

God Made Us Sisters

Prozac Made Us Friends

If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven

I Ain't Going

If It's Tourist Season

Why Can't We Hunt Them?

Senior Citizen

Give Me My Damn Discount

No, It Doesn't Hurt

(on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

(on the back of a passing motorcyclist)

I Used To Be Schizophrenic

But We're OK Now

My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

(Over the outline of the state of California)

Veni, Vedi, Visa:

I Came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

I Didn't Climb to the Top of the

Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

(at countless backyard grills)

Front: Yale Is Just One Big Party

Back: With a $35,000 Cover Charge

Coffee, Chocolate, Men...

Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Liberal Arts Major...

Will Think For Money

Gravity...

It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

If At First You Don't Succeed,

Skydiving Isn't Your Sport

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

In America, Anyone Can Be President.

That's One of the Risks You Take.

First Things First

Not Necessarily in That Order

Dear Dogs and Cats

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

Please note that I do not start at you when you eat, so please do the same for me.

When I say "No" in a loud, commanding voice, it does not mean "continue with what you were doing, only more diligently."

Teach Them Young

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good." she says. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack." says the little boy.

The Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."

Will I Live To 80?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing / ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?"

"No I don't." I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I have never done any of those things." He looked at me and said,

"Then why do you care if you live to be 80."

The Flower Shop

Two members of a small monastery decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for their good works. The idea of buying beautiful flowers from gentle friars appealed to a lot of people in the town, and soon crowds were flocking to the shop.

Meanwhile, the florist across town saw his business virtually disappear when all his customers began buying flowers from the monks. He thought the monks had an unfair advantage, so he visited them and asked them to return to the monastery and leave business to businessmen. They politely declined.

So he visited the monastery and asked the Abbot to persuade the monks to abandon the business. He declined as well.

Next the florist sent his mother, his parish priest, and his children to visit the monks - each in turn asking them to cease their business so the original florist could make a living. It didn't work.

Finally, in desperation, the florist hired the town thug, Hughson McNasty, to use personal persuasion. Hugh McNasty showed up one night with a baseball bat, shattered the windows of

the monk's shop, tossed their flowers out into the street, and gave the monks black eyes, promising them he'd be back unless they closed their business.

Terrified, the monks shut their store and returned to the monastery. Proving, of course...

...only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Lamp

A six year old boy called his mother from his friend Steven's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Steven's mom said it was irreplaceable."

The Story Of Two Horses

Jake and Lucky were Kentucky bred race horses.

While young they led the proverbial "good life" for horses. They were free to frisk about in their assigned pasture to their hearts content, with all the sweet, luscious Kentucky blue grass to eat that any horse might desire.

Early in their training, it became obvious that Lucky was the faster of the two horses on the track. Jake did his best but, except on those few days when Lucky was "off his feed," he just could not seem to come in with a faster time.

One day, when they were alone in the pasture, Lucky said to Jake, "Let's race around the field, Jake!"

Jake replied, "I don't want to race you, Lucky. You always win so why should I even try to race you?"

Lucky answered, "It's such a beautiful day and I feel so great, Jake, that I'll just take it easy so you can win. Please race with me."

Jake said, "OK, Lucky, let's go!"

He took off in a whinny with Lucky in hot pursuit as they raced around the edge of the pasture. He lead most of the way but near the finish, Lucky pulled into the lead as they crossed the line.

After regaining their breath, Jake said, "You said you would take it easy and let me win, Lucky. Why didn't you keep your word?"

Lucky said, "I'm sorry, Jake, but in the heat of our race, I simply forgot. I'll not do it again."

Later that year, when the two horses were entered in their first race, Lucky won easily and Jake came in as an "also ran."

Several weeks later, when they were alone again in their pasture, Lucky once again was feeling at his frisky best.

He said to Jake, "Let's race, Jake!"

Jake sulked off, head held low.

Lucky stayed at his heels nibbling the sweet grass. With each succeeding bite of the savory grass Lucky's spirit rose. Finally he could stand no more.

"Jake, if you will just run with me around the pasture, we don't have to call it a race. I'll run along behind you. You can cross the finish line first."

Jake thought a minute and said, "It's such a beautiful day, Lucky. I'll take your word. Let's go!"

Off they ran through the knee deep grass with Jake in the lead and Lucky right on his heels. They whinnied with delight as they ran at full gallop.

Near the end of the course, Jake began to tire. Lucky had stamina to spare and passed Jake with ease. He crossed the finish line a full length ahead of Jake.

Needless to say, Jake was heartbroken. It was several days before he would even talk with Lucky.

When they finally made up, Lucky apologized endlessly. Jake accepted grudgingly but vowed he would never race Lucky again.

Lucky, went on to win almost every race in which he was entered: the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, the Belmont Stakes. He had a long and illustrious career.

Whenever he was not racing, he was often returned to the pasture with his best friend Jake. Jake delighted in hearing of Lucky's triumphs, but won very few races himself.

Years later, after both had been retired from racing, when they were standing near the barn in the shade, Lucky suggested to Jake that they should gallop around the pasture, just for old time's sake.

Jake replied, "You know I won't do that, Lucky, because you always win!"

"On my word of honor, Jake, this time will be different," Lucky said. "I'll control myself and let you cross the finish line first."

Reluctantly, Jake said, "Don't run very fast, though. My old bones hurt too much when I gallop like we did years ago."

Lucky agreed and they trotted off around the field.

When they had almost completed the circuit, Jake tired badly so he slowed to a walk.

Lucky still had lots of energy so he cantered on ahead. He again finished in the lead as they neared the barn.

When they had both stopped near the barn an old dog who had observed the unfolding saga for years said, "I could have told you, Jake. You should have known. Lucky can't be trusted. He will always win whenever he runs."

Jake turned to Lucky and said, "Look, Lucky, a talking dog!"

Nothing To Worry About

While cruising at 35,500 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

Following Directions

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

Diving With No Tanks?

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Rules for Visitors

To pacify my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they

1. Eat less.

2. Don't ask for money all the time.

3. Are easier to train.

4. Usually come when called.

5. Never drive your car.

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.

7. Don't smoke or drink.

8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions.

9. Don't wear your clothes.

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

No Email Address

A man was laid off and having no choice and as a last gasp attempt went for an interview with Microsoft as a janitor. The interview went well until the end when they asked for his email address to let him know the following week if he had been successful. When he replied he didn't have an email address they looked shocked and told him if he didn't have email he couldn't have the job.

Destitute, he spent his last five dollars on some strawberries at Safeway and sold them on the street corner doubling his money. He reinvested the money the next day and was amazed when he doubled his money again. He eventually bought a cart, then a van and he is now one of the biggest fruit wholesalers in the country.

When at a business lunch, he was discussing a deal and the salesman gave him his card and said "Drop me an email and we'll organise a game of golf" to which he replied once again "I don't have email.

The shocked salesman said "What no email? Imagine where you would be if you had email!"

13 Rules To Live By

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The four most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You're right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her, believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
9. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations. You have another chance.
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. Finally, be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Don't Step On The Duck

Three friends died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they are all admitted. He cautions them, though, that there is only one rule: Don't step on the ducks.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"

"Yes," St. Peter replies, "there are millions of ducks up here walking around and, if one gets stepped on, he squawks. Then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

After entering, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys stepped on one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who stepped on the duck?" The one who had done it admitted "I did."

Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's' left hand. "I told you not to step on the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.

The other two men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had stepped on a duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the mans' right hand to the homely woman's' left hand. "I told you not to step on the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"

The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Talking Chicken

A chicken walks into a library and looks at the librarian.

"Bawk!" the chicken says.

"Do you want a book?" asks the librarian.

"Bawk," the chicken agrees. The librarian gives it a book and it walks out.

About half an hour later the chicken comes back. "Bawk bawk!" the chicken says.

"Do you want two books?" asks the librarian.

"Bawk bawk" the chicken agrees.

The librarian gives it two books and it walks out. Another half hour later the chicken comes back again.

"Baawwwwk, bawk bawk!" the chicken says.

"Do you want a long book and two short ones?" asks the librarian.

"Baawwwk, bawk bawk" the chicken agrees. The librarian gives it a long book and two short ones and it walks out. The librarian is getting pretty curious about this chicken, so she follows it this time. It takes the books to a pond where a frog is waiting.

"Readit, readit." said the frog.

Perfect Breakfast

You're sitting at the kitchen table.

Your son is on the cover of Wheaties.

Your daughter is on the cover of Forbes.

Your girlfriend is on the cover of Playboy.

And your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

Through All The Bad Times

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."