Occupational Descriptions

• An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
• An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
• A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
• An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
• A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
• An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
• A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
• A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
• A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
• A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
• A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
• A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
• A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
• A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.