New Airline Fees

Attendant: "Welcome aboard, sir. May I see your ticket?"

Passenger: "Sure."

Attendant: "You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!"

Passenger: "What for?"

Attendant: "For telling you where to sit."

Passenger: "But I already knew where to sit."

Attendant: "Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy."

Passenger: "That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it."

Attendant: "Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?"

Passenger: "Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this."

Attendant: "Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?"

Passenger: "That would be swell, thanks."

Attendant: "No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please."

Passenger: "What?"

Attendant: "The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee."

Passenger: "This is extortion. I won't stand for it."

Attendant: "Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10."

Passenger: "No way!"

Attendant: "Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that."

Passenger: "Why not? Is he going to shoot me?"

Attendant: "No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee."

Passenger: "Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this."

Attendant: "Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

Passenger: "Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?"

Attendant: "Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes."

Passenger: "The airline is charging me for cabin air?"

Attendant: "Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents."

Passenger: "I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?"

Attendant: "Certainly, sir! Here you go!"

Passenger: "But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar."

Attendant: "Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents."

Passenger: "For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?"

Attendant: "Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.