Changing The Oil

How a woman changes the oil:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

How a man changes the oil:

1. Go to Pep Boys auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (aka kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Stop by 7-11 on the way home and pick up a 12-pack of beer.
3. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to Pep Boys to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
10. Give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up.
14. Have another beer while oil is draining.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw oil lift (aka kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 19.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 12.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
28. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
29. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
30. Begin cussing fit.
31. Throw wrench.
32. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December, 1992 in the left boob.
33. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
34. Beer.
35. Beer.
36. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
37. Beer.
38. Lower car from jack stands
39. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
40. Move car back to apply more oil lift (aka kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 24.
41. Drive car 1/2 quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.