Rules for Visitors

To pacify my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they

1. Eat less.

2. Don't ask for money all the time.

3. Are easier to train.

4. Usually come when called.

5. Never drive your car.

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.

7. Don't smoke or drink.

8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions.

9. Don't wear your clothes.

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

No Email Address

A man was laid off and having no choice and as a last gasp attempt went for an interview with Microsoft as a janitor. The interview went well until the end when they asked for his email address to let him know the following week if he had been successful. When he replied he didn't have an email address they looked shocked and told him if he didn't have email he couldn't have the job.

Destitute, he spent his last five dollars on some strawberries at Safeway and sold them on the street corner doubling his money. He reinvested the money the next day and was amazed when he doubled his money again. He eventually bought a cart, then a van and he is now one of the biggest fruit wholesalers in the country.

When at a business lunch, he was discussing a deal and the salesman gave him his card and said "Drop me an email and we'll organise a game of golf" to which he replied once again "I don't have email.

The shocked salesman said "What no email? Imagine where you would be if you had email!"

13 Rules To Live By

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The four most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You're right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her, believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
9. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations. You have another chance.
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. Finally, be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Don't Step On The Duck

Three friends died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they are all admitted. He cautions them, though, that there is only one rule: Don't step on the ducks.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"

"Yes," St. Peter replies, "there are millions of ducks up here walking around and, if one gets stepped on, he squawks. Then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

After entering, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys stepped on one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who stepped on the duck?" The one who had done it admitted "I did."

Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's' left hand. "I told you not to step on the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.

The other two men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had stepped on a duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the mans' right hand to the homely woman's' left hand. "I told you not to step on the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"

The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Talking Chicken

A chicken walks into a library and looks at the librarian.

"Bawk!" the chicken says.

"Do you want a book?" asks the librarian.

"Bawk," the chicken agrees. The librarian gives it a book and it walks out.

About half an hour later the chicken comes back. "Bawk bawk!" the chicken says.

"Do you want two books?" asks the librarian.

"Bawk bawk" the chicken agrees.

The librarian gives it two books and it walks out. Another half hour later the chicken comes back again.

"Baawwwwk, bawk bawk!" the chicken says.

"Do you want a long book and two short ones?" asks the librarian.

"Baawwwk, bawk bawk" the chicken agrees. The librarian gives it a long book and two short ones and it walks out. The librarian is getting pretty curious about this chicken, so she follows it this time. It takes the books to a pond where a frog is waiting.

"Readit, readit." said the frog.

Perfect Breakfast

You're sitting at the kitchen table.

Your son is on the cover of Wheaties.

Your daughter is on the cover of Forbes.

Your girlfriend is on the cover of Playboy.

And your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

Through All The Bad Times

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."