Veteran Owned and Operated. Proudly Made in the USA.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Lamp

A six year old boy called his mother from his friend Steven's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Steven's mom said it was irreplaceable."

Saturday, September 11, 2010

The Story Of Two Horses

Jake and Lucky were Kentucky bred race horses.

While young they led the proverbial "good life" for horses. They were free to frisk about in their assigned pasture to their hearts content, with all the sweet, luscious Kentucky blue grass to eat that any horse might desire.

Early in their training, it became obvious that Lucky was the faster of the two horses on the track. Jake did his best but, except on those few days when Lucky was "off his feed," he just could not seem to come in with a faster time.

One day, when they were alone in the pasture, Lucky said to Jake, "Let's race around the field, Jake!"

Jake replied, "I don't want to race you, Lucky. You always win so why should I even try to race you?"

Lucky answered, "It's such a beautiful day and I feel so great, Jake, that I'll just take it easy so you can win. Please race with me."

Jake said, "OK, Lucky, let's go!"

He took off in a whinny with Lucky in hot pursuit as they raced around the edge of the pasture. He lead most of the way but near the finish, Lucky pulled into the lead as they crossed the line.

After regaining their breath, Jake said, "You said you would take it easy and let me win, Lucky. Why didn't you keep your word?"

Lucky said, "I'm sorry, Jake, but in the heat of our race, I simply forgot. I'll not do it again."

Later that year, when the two horses were entered in their first race, Lucky won easily and Jake came in as an "also ran."

Several weeks later, when they were alone again in their pasture, Lucky once again was feeling at his frisky best.

He said to Jake, "Let's race, Jake!"

Jake sulked off, head held low.

Lucky stayed at his heels nibbling the sweet grass. With each succeeding bite of the savory grass Lucky's spirit rose. Finally he could stand no more.

"Jake, if you will just run with me around the pasture, we don't have to call it a race. I'll run along behind you. You can cross the finish line first."

Jake thought a minute and said, "It's such a beautiful day, Lucky. I'll take your word. Let's go!"

Off they ran through the knee deep grass with Jake in the lead and Lucky right on his heels. They whinnied with delight as they ran at full gallop.

Near the end of the course, Jake began to tire. Lucky had stamina to spare and passed Jake with ease. He crossed the finish line a full length ahead of Jake.

Needless to say, Jake was heartbroken. It was several days before he would even talk with Lucky.

When they finally made up, Lucky apologized endlessly. Jake accepted grudgingly but vowed he would never race Lucky again.

Lucky, went on to win almost every race in which he was entered: the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, the Belmont Stakes. He had a long and illustrious career.

Whenever he was not racing, he was often returned to the pasture with his best friend Jake. Jake delighted in hearing of Lucky's triumphs, but won very few races himself.

Years later, after both had been retired from racing, when they were standing near the barn in the shade, Lucky suggested to Jake that they should gallop around the pasture, just for old time's sake.

Jake replied, "You know I won't do that, Lucky, because you always win!"

"On my word of honor, Jake, this time will be different," Lucky said. "I'll control myself and let you cross the finish line first."

Reluctantly, Jake said, "Don't run very fast, though. My old bones hurt too much when I gallop like we did years ago."

Lucky agreed and they trotted off around the field.

When they had almost completed the circuit, Jake tired badly so he slowed to a walk.

Lucky still had lots of energy so he cantered on ahead. He again finished in the lead as they neared the barn.

When they had both stopped near the barn an old dog who had observed the unfolding saga for years said, "I could have told you, Jake. You should have known. Lucky can't be trusted. He will always win whenever he runs."

Jake turned to Lucky and said, "Look, Lucky, a talking dog!"

Friday, September 10, 2010

Nothing To Worry About

While cruising at 35,500 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Following Directions

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Diving With No Tanks?

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Rules for Visitors

To pacify my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:


All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets


  1. They live here. You don't.

  2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

  3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

  4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.


Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they

  1. Eat less.

  2. Don't ask for money all the time.

  3. Are easier to train.

  4. Usually come when called.

  5. Never drive your car.

  6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.

  7. Don't smoke or drink.

  8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions.

  9. Don't wear your clothes.

  10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.

  11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.


Monday, September 6, 2010

No Email Address

A man was laid off and having no choice and as a last gasp attempt went for an interview with Microsoft as a janitor. The interview went well until the end when they asked for his email address to let him know the following week if he had been successful. When he replied he didn't have an email address they looked shocked and told him if he didn't have email he couldn't have the job.

Destitute, he spent his last five dollars on some strawberries at Safeway and sold them on the street corner doubling his money. He reinvested the money the next day and was amazed when he doubled his money again. He eventually bought a cart, then a van and he is now one of the biggest fruit wholesalers in the country.

When at a business lunch, he was discussing a deal and the salesman gave him his card and said "Drop me an email and we'll organise a game of golf" to which he replied once again "I don't have email.

The shocked salesman said "What no email? Imagine where you would be if you had email!"