Throwing The Book

A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring, so he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch.

A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office. She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just... "

"I had to throw the book at him," the judge interrupted.

"I know," said the librarian, "but the Oxford English Dictionary?"

Flag Pole Height

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

Like A Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue.' "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?"

"Aha, you'll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight , as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly.

There in her hand rested a book entitled: "The meaning of dreams."

New Year's Resolutions For Dogs

• I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
• The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
• I will not eat the cats' food... before or after they eat it.
• I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
• I will not throw up in the car.
• I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
• I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
• "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
• I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
• The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
• I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
• I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
• I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
• When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
• We do not have a doorbell.
• I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
• I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
• The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

New Year's Resolutions For Internet Junkies

• I will try to figure out why I "really" need 12 e-mail addresses.
• I will stop sending e-mail to my wife. A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.
• I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
• I will stop sending e-mail and Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
• I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... okay, monthly then... or maybe... at least once a year.
• I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
• I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.
• When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
• I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
• I will think of a password other than "password."
• I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Realistic New Year Resolutions

Are you sick and tired of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy!

1. Read less.
2. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
3. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Start being superstitious.
8. Spend more time at work.
9. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
10. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!