T-shirt Season Almost Over

With school back in session and a definite cooling in the evening air, we can predict more flannel and fewer short sleeves. A quick look back over a few of the great T-Shirts of this past summer

I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

(on a field of dandelions)

God Made Us Sisters

Prozac Made Us Friends

If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven

I Ain't Going

If It's Tourist Season

Why Can't We Hunt Them?

Senior Citizen

Give Me My Damn Discount

No, It Doesn't Hurt

(on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

(on the back of a passing motorcyclist)

I Used To Be Schizophrenic

But We're OK Now

My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

(Over the outline of the state of California)

Veni, Vedi, Visa:

I Came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

I Didn't Climb to the Top of the

Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

(at countless backyard grills)

Front: Yale Is Just One Big Party

Back: With a $35,000 Cover Charge

Coffee, Chocolate, Men...

Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Liberal Arts Major...

Will Think For Money

Gravity...

It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

If At First You Don't Succeed,

Skydiving Isn't Your Sport

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

In America, Anyone Can Be President.

That's One of the Risks You Take.

First Things First

Not Necessarily in That Order

Dear Dogs and Cats

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

Please note that I do not start at you when you eat, so please do the same for me.

When I say "No" in a loud, commanding voice, it does not mean "continue with what you were doing, only more diligently."

Teach Them Young

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good." she says. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack." says the little boy.

The Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."

Will I Live To 80?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing / ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?"

"No I don't." I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I have never done any of those things." He looked at me and said,

"Then why do you care if you live to be 80."

The Flower Shop

Two members of a small monastery decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for their good works. The idea of buying beautiful flowers from gentle friars appealed to a lot of people in the town, and soon crowds were flocking to the shop.

Meanwhile, the florist across town saw his business virtually disappear when all his customers began buying flowers from the monks. He thought the monks had an unfair advantage, so he visited them and asked them to return to the monastery and leave business to businessmen. They politely declined.

So he visited the monastery and asked the Abbot to persuade the monks to abandon the business. He declined as well.

Next the florist sent his mother, his parish priest, and his children to visit the monks - each in turn asking them to cease their business so the original florist could make a living. It didn't work.

Finally, in desperation, the florist hired the town thug, Hughson McNasty, to use personal persuasion. Hugh McNasty showed up one night with a baseball bat, shattered the windows of

the monk's shop, tossed their flowers out into the street, and gave the monks black eyes, promising them he'd be back unless they closed their business.

Terrified, the monks shut their store and returned to the monastery. Proving, of course...

...only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Lamp

A six year old boy called his mother from his friend Steven's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Steven's mom said it was irreplaceable."