Most Powerful Animal

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.

"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."

"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fast, but I have powerful teeth and claws."

"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all...

hawk, lion, and stinker.

Motivation

My son spends way too much time playing computer games. In order to motivate my son into spending more attention on his schoolwork, I told him "when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by candle light."

He looked up from his computer game and told me "when Lincoln was your age, he was President of The United States."

A Few

• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here. I'll go on a head."
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his Grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
• A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
• The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
• When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Needs A Push

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 AM by a loud pounding on their front door. The man struggles out of bed and goes to the door, opens it, and finds an obviously drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain.

Almost snarling because of the inconvenience, the guy says to the drunk,

"Yeah, what do you want?"

"Would you give me a push?" the drunk slurs.

"Are you crazy? Not a chance," the husband answers. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" and slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asked the wife, not helping the situation in the least.

"Some drunk asking for a push," he mumbles.

"Did you help him?" the wife asks.

Now teetering on the edge of exploding, he says, "No! I didn't help him. It's three in the morning and raining like heck outside."

"Well, you've got a very short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember when we were on the way to a party and those two guys helped us? I think you should help this poor man!"

Now wide awake and knowing he'll be unable to go back to sleep, the husband mumbles under his breath, gets dressed, and stands on the front steps in the driving rain.

"Hey, are you still out there?"

"Yeah," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" asks the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

Unable to see anything or anyone in the dark, the husband says, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here. On the swing".

Swatting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one."

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

Lost Handbag

A lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young boy found it and returned it to her.

Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy replied, "That is funny. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."