The Roar

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept roaring and roaring until a hunter came along and shot him...

The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Nostalgia

"I presume, Mrs Murphy, you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"

"Indeed I do, sir, it's a lock of my Dan's hair."

"But your husband is still alive."

"That he is," said she "but his hair is long gone!"

Vacation In Hell

Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady.

"We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one.

"Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful."

"Dear me!" said the first lady. "well where are you going?"

"Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish as well!" the first lady objected.

At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue.

"Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested.

"There be no Irish there!"

More Points To Ponder

• In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
• I am a nutritional overachiever; (sounds a lot better than saying I'm an over eater or glutton).
• I am having an out of money experience.
• I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• A day without sunshine is like night.
• If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the right questions.
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
• Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
• You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

Library Complaints

Judi, a natural blonde, stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

An Apple A Day

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.

I asked one nurse what the pin signified.

"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for St. Marks Health Centers suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.