Going For A Ride

A 10 year old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, he turns to her and asks, "Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"No!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"No!" says the little girl as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 bucks and a big bag of candy if you'll just hop on the back of my bike and we go for a ride."

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out "Look Dad! You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley. You ride it!"

Lesson To Be Learned With Four Worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

• The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
• The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
• The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
• The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

• First worm in alcohol? Dead.
• Second worm in cigarette smoke? Dead.
• Third worm in chocolate syrup? Dead.
• Fourth worm in good clean soil? Dead.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Marge was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms."

That pretty much ended the service.

Good News And Bad News

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...

The husband answers and says, "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today."

The wife replies, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."

The husband says, "Okay, darling, but as I've got very little time now, so just give me the good news."

"Well," says the wife, "the air bags work."

The Cowboy Without A Horse

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Oklahoma! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Oklahoma!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go. What happened in Oklahoma?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Fun Math

Romance Mathematics

• Smart man + smart woman = romance
• Smart man + dumb woman = affair
• Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
• Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Office Arithmetic

• Smart boss + smart employee = profit
• Smart boss + dumb employee = production
• Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
• Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Shopping Math

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

General Equations and Statistics

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Restaurant Name

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After the meal, the wives left the table and went to the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said "Last night we went to a new restaurant, and it was really exceptional. I would highly recommend it."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said. "What's the name of the flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?" asked his friend.

"Yes." The man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Instant Prize

A blonde walks in to a coffee shop, and orders a cup of coffee. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I won! I won! I won a motor home; I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home, I won a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I won a motor home, I won a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "Win A Bagel."