The Simple Truth

Despite how you personally feel about the issue, there is a good, logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building. You cannot post things like "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

How Different Social Systems Work

Socialism
You own two cows. You have to give one of yours cows to your neighbour.

Communism
You own two cows. Government takes both of your cows and sells the milk to you.

Liberalism
You own two cows. Government takes both of your cows and donates you the milk.

National Socialism
You own two cows. Government takes both of your cows and shoots you dead.

EC- Administration (European Community bureaucracy)
You own two cows. Government takes both cows away and slaughters one. The other cow is milked. The milk is tipped away.

An American Company
You own two cows. You sell one of them and force the other one to give milk for four. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A Company in Austria
Each cow has a title. You introduce boards, committees and subcommittees and ask for an appraisal report. The result is preliminary but remains forever valid. The milk is shared in the most social way and each bull receives a privilege.

A French Company
You own two cows. You go on strike and demand three.

A Japanese Company
You own two cows. You do a redesign. After the redesign the cows are ten times smaller and give twenty times more milk than the original cow. Now you create a clever cow cartoon, call it "Cowkimon" and market it worldwide.

A German Company
You own two cows. You do a redesign. After the redesign the cows get 100 years and older, eat only once a month and milk themselves.

A British Company
You own two cows. Both are mad.

An Italian Company
You own two cows but don't have a clue where they are. You milk the European Bureaucracy instead.

A Company in Russia
You own two cows. You count them and end up with 5. You count again, this time you end up with 42. The next count results in 12. You stop counting and open a new bottle of Vodka.

A Swiss Company
You have 5000 cows. You own none of them. You take the money from the owners for their accommodation.

Water Hole Alligator

So one day, Grandma sent her grandson, Johnny, down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

"Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Grandma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" cried Johnny. "There's a big ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

Drunken Fools

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."

1st Man: "No. it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

"You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

Inner Peace

• If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills…
• If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains…
• If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles…
• If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it…
• If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time…
• If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong…
• If you can take criticism and blame without resentment…
• If you can face the world without lies and deceit…
• If you can conquer tension without medical help…
• If you can relax without liquor…
• If you can sleep without the aid of drugs…

Then you're actually a dog.

Instant Reaction

A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game.

Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day.

The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out,

"Play Ball!"

Fourth Of July

The Fourth of July is one of the most important American national holidays.

A few years ago, a group of Friends (Quakers) were holding an international seminar on Orcas Island, one of the San Juan Islands of northwest Washington.

One British friend said, "You Americans call it Independence Day. We British prefer the term Good Riddance Day."