Fishing License

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!"  the warden asked.

    

"Yes, sir.  Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

   

"That's a bunch of hooey!  Fish can't do that!"

    

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you.  It really works."

   

"O.K.  I've GOT to see this!"  The game warden said.

    

The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited.

   

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"    

"Well, What?" the man responded.

    

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

   

"Call who back?" The man asked.

 

"The fish." replied the warden.

    

"What fish?"  The man asked.

Books, Books, Books

John, for heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in awhile? whined Mari.

"Huh?" John responded.

Look around you! she yells as she points around the room. "All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm alive!"

"Oh.  I'm sorry."

You know sometimes I wish I were a book Then you'd at least look at me.

Hmmm," John mumbled in deep thought, "that's not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting...."

Wanting a Sister

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean  like my other Daddy does?"

The Hotel Stay

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?" 

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... That's a maintenance matter."

Attacked by an Alligator

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small 22 cal Beretta Pistol :

  

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

  

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

  

Here's her story in her own words:

  

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.  She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

  

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was a big bonus!"

Harley Davidson Closing Plant Due to Declining Sales

Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.

 

A recent study was done to find out why.

 

Here are 25 reasons why Millennials don't ride Harleys:

 

1.  Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.

 

2.  Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

 

3.  Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.

 

4.  They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

 

5.  Don't have enough strength to hold the bike up when stopped.

 

6.  Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency medical care or extensive psychological counseling.

 

7.  Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

 

8.  They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college working on a degree in Humanities, Art History, or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.

 

9.  They are allergic to fresh air.

 

10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

 

11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.

 

12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen or voice commands.

 

13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.

 

14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

 

15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.

 

16. Harleys don't have power steering or power brakes.

 

17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

 

18. They would have to use leg muscles to back up.

 

19. When stopped, a light breeze might blow exhaust fumes in their face and cause nearly instantaneous cancer.

 

20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-softened water.

 

21. Harleys burn gasoline and that supports the big oil companies.

 

22. Can't use both thumbs for texting while riding.

 

23. Can't use a Harley to earn extra money driving for Uber or Lyft.

 

24. Harleys don't provide enough sun protection for those spending most of their time playing video games in their Mom's basement.

 

25. The Harley roar would scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

Just What the Doctor Ordered

Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “"You'’re really doing great, aren'’t you?”"

Maurice replied, "“Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”"

The doctor said, "“I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”"

The Boss of Me

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage...

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.

It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

Driving a Truck

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me. Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."

The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."

The man tries it, and is cured.

Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"

The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your hands."

Two weeks later the man goes back to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the day. Can't you do something?"

"You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd take a couple of them off your hands."

"But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York."

Bad News

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said. “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.” 

Two Dollars

One day a rich famous man went to buy an expensive sport's car from a car dealership...

The price of the car was $80,000 and the man had only $79,998 to pay with...

The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80,000.

The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help...

He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he would be kind enough to lend him $2.

The poor man asked the rich man the reason, and the rich man replied that he needed the money to buy a car. 

The poor man thought for a moment.  Then he gave the man $4 and said, " Please buy one for me, too!"

Bungee Jumping

The two inventors of the bungee rope went to Mexico to test their invention. They built a 50-foot tower and, once completed, one of the guys stood on the edge of the platform and dove into the air with the rope tied to his feet. The other guy, standing up on the platform, waited until his friend returned up so that he could grab him. The first time his friend sprung up, he tried to grab him but missed and noticed that his head was swollen. The next time, he missed again and again there was a bruise on his head and face. This time, with much concern, he dove forward to get his partner, pulled him in and asked, "What happened? Is the cord too long?" His partner replied with his face all bloody, "What is piņata?" 

Blonde in the Emergency Room

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, "I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. 

So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.""

Golf Cart Accident

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy. 

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's Jack , and I am Okay thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it." 

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. 

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it." 

After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. 

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." 

"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" 

"Under the cart" I said.

Bear Warning

The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. 

Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. 

To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read - small bear droppings are small with nuts and berries in it. 

Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it. 

The Funeral

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that  has passed will never pass again. 

Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the  Nova Scotia back country. 

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. 

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. 

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. 

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. 

 

And as I played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. 

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." 

 

Apparently, I'm still lost... it's a man thing. 

A Sad Story

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. 

After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. 

Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. 

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. 

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!" 

Drinking

After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking and fight for nothing.

Women can do all these without drinking!

Admission Test

There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course. 

He was smart enough to get through the written test, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy. 

"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind." 

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question." 

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?" 

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir." 

"How?" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.) 

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!" 

Admission for the course was thus secured.

The Vet's Opinion

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the veterinary pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, he shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry sir, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and softly uttered "Woof." The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do." He handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went ballistic. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."

The Boring Pastor

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. 

"The front row please." she answered. 

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." 

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said. 

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked. 

"No." she said. 

"Good," he answered. 

The Over 30 Crowd

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car..  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,

The Over 30 Crowd

Motel Six

The economy is so bad that: Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

Blood Circulation

Miss Figpot was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, boys and girls, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

The class sat quietly as the teacher asked, "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

The entire class was silent as they tried to figure out the answer. From the back of the class, Little Johnny shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

Going to Town

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked that it was a shame the old man was walking while the boy was riding.  The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later they passed some people who remarked, "what a shame!  He makes that little boy walk."  So they decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.  So they both rode the donkey!

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying, "How awful to put such a heavy load on a poor little donkey!" The boy and man said they were probably right, and decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal, and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

 

Advice to an Old Guy

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer that was nearby: "what machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said: "I would suggest that you try the ATM in the lobby."

A Spouse

A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 

New Doctor in Town

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

My Dog

 I named my dog "5 Miles"...

So I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

Calling His Employee

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

Just Something Funny to Read

1) It’s better to be crazy and know it than being sane and doubt it.

2) I’m lost. I've gone out to find me. If I come back before I return, please ask me to wait.

3) I live in my own little world! But that's okay, cause they know me there.

4) No lifeguard on duty. Swim at your own risk.

5) Daydreaming is way better than school!

6) Education is the progressive relation of our ignorance.

7) Insanity: A perfectly normal change to a normal mind.

8) The voices in my head are snoring.

9) Me? Psychotic? What gave you that idea?

10) I’m not crazy! It's the rest of you that are freaks!

11) You say I'm psycho like it's a bad thing!

12) Insanity in individuals is something rare but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs...it is the rule!

13) Only two things are infinite: the universe, & human stupidity.

14) My fist and your teeth have an appointment.

15) If nobody is perfect then hi, my name is Nobody.

16) Caution: Professionals at work.

17) I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

18) Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off till further notice!

19) Lifting weights are fun! Use your siblings to your advantage.