English Professor

One of the courses I taught when I was a college professor was Freshman English. To my first class of students I described the basic parts of an essay: "Remember, the three parts of an essay are the Introduction, the Body, and the Confusion". 

Flying Turtle

A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first into the ground.

Slightly dazed the turtle gets up and starts climbing the tree again. This time the turtle passes the first branch, and starts crawling along a higher, less sturdy branch. Once again he reaches the end, hesitates, and then jumps off flailing wildly and end over end until he smashes head first into the ground.

This time the turtle seems clearly shaken up, but resolutely starts climbing the tree again. He bypasses both the first and second branch and climbs out the highest, most shaky branch. This time when he reaches the end of the branch he looks over and waves at two birds watching him.

The birds look at one another when the male bird says: I think it's time we tell him he is adopted.

Honesty

Yup, some people can’t handle the truth! 

My Favorite Animal 

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." 

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. 

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. 

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. 

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. 

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. 

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. 

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." 

Guess where the heck I am now...

Federal Office Worker

A federal office worker finds a lamp in an old file drawer and as he examines it a genie pops out. For his first of three traditional wishes, he wants to be on a beautiful deserted Island. 

Poof! There he is. 

Next, of course, he wants the gorgeous babes, and Poof! There they are. 

Finally, he realizes he must sustain this great life and wishes he would never have to work.

Poof! He's back at the office. 

The Flag Pole

Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”

She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.

She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all woman’" he said,  “We need

the height and she gives us the length!”

Can You Get Married in Heaven?

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. 

Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. 

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? 

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. 

St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate. 

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven". 

“Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” 

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground. 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple". 

“OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here... Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?”

Don't Jump

A group of bikers were riding west on I-74 through Illinois when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' on the other side of that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he said . . . 

"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, why don't you just give me your best last kiss?"

With no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that.

It was a long, deep, lingering kiss - followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper!

George said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" 

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

(It's still unclear if she jumped or was pushed!)

Airplane Ride

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." 

So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." 

So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars." 

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands. 

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." 

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."  

Good Night's Sleep

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.

"No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

Two Cops

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?”

"Yes?”

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”

"Have you arrested the woman?”

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Three Flat Tires and Two Headlights

A young waiter just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver. 

The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked; "Can I take your order sir?" 

The truck driver replied, "Sure kid, I want three flat tires and two headlights." 

The young man was very puzzled and said, "I beg your pardon?" 

The truck driver said again, "Look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights." 

The young man was still puzzled, but replied; "Yes sir, whatever." 

The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook. 

He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights, “I think he's in the wrong place.” 

The head cook said, "I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him." 

The cook said to the waiter "Here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this." 

The truck driver said, "Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights." 

The waiter replied, "Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!"

An A, B, C, Wife

After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

 

She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"

 

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

 

She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" 

 

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!" 

 

The swelling in his eyes is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic that with a lot of physical therapy he will walk again.

Party Animals

One day a snake, a turtle and a centipede are having a party.

After two cases of beer are gone, they needed more beer.

So they discuss who's going to go get the beer.

The turtle says, "I will go, you both just wait here."

Two hours later, the turtle wasn't back yet, so the centipede says, “I will go.”

So they open the door and see the turtle is still walking out of the door.

Because turtles walk too slow the centipede says, “You both wait for me to come back, I've got a lot of legs, so i can walk fast.”

The snake and the turtle wait for another two hours.

Finally the snake says, “What is taking the centipede so long?

So they open the door and check, the centipede is still at the front of the door still trying to put on all his shoes.

Finally the snake says, “let me go, I can walk fast, and i dont have feet to put shoes on.”

So the snake leaves.

After three hours, the snake wasn't back yet.

Both of them went to the store to find the snake.

And they saw snake stand there.

The snake says, "Don't give me those dirty looks, it only took me 5 minutes to get to the store, but I am still figuring out how to bring the beer back."

Sailor Parrot

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Smart Mother

Mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them.

The mother mouse goes, "WOOF!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language."

Guinness

A wealthy Texan walks into a small pub in Ireland. He slaps down $500 on the bar and announces, “I got 500 American dollars here, for any of you fellers who can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row”.

Nobody says anything. Everybody looks away, or looks at the floor. One guy leaves.

The Texan orders a drink and starts chatting with the locals. About 5 or 10 minutes later, the guy who left earlier returns. Small, skinny guy. He shyly taps on the Texan’s shoulder and asks him, “Pardon me, sir…but does your offer still stand?”

The Texan stands up and slaps him on the shoulder. “It sure does… set ’em up, Joe!” The bartender expertly pours and sets up ten pints in a row of foaming Guinness. The little guy walks down the line and knocks back every one of them pretty briskly, barely slowing down through the ninth and tenth. He stands there smiling and burps once.

“Well, here’s your money, Seamus!” says the Texan. “But I gotta ask you, where’d you disappear to there for a while?”

“Well, I had to nip over to the other pub… to make sure I could do it.”

20 Hours to Live

 Mr. Jones goes into his doctor's office.

The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?"

The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first."

"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies.

The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?"

The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

Setting the Pace

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. 

But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.  As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.  The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,"  and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.  "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket  and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,  "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says,  "I'll have the same."  Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,  "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.  "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

  

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers,

"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Smartest Dog Ever

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." 

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. 

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. 

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! - Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. 

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" 

The owner responds, "Genius, no way! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!" 

Husband's Temper

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

 

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

 

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

 

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

 

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

Be Careful! CAREFUL!

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. 

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" 

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. 

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" 

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. 

"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" 

The wife runs to the fri- 

"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!" 

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. 

She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs." 

The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.

A Mean Lookin' Cowboy

A mean lookin' cowboy was sitting by himself in a Saloon. He was a pretty intimidating sight, so no one bothered him as he downed a few whiskey and beers. After chugging his last drink he slammed some coins on the tabletop and got up to leave. Right after he left though he came storming back in and said, 

"Listen up you mangey bastards" and everyone, terrified, immediately fell silent. "Someone done took my horse. Now here's what's gunna happen. I'm gunna order me another drink, finish it, and when I walk back outside this time my horse BETTER be there or else I'm gunna do what I did in Texas... and believe me, I don't want to do what I did in Texas!" 

Like he said, after he finished his drink he walked outside and sure enough, someone had returned his horse. He was getting on it when one of the bar patrons ran up to him and sheepishly asked, 

"Sir I don't mean to bother you but I just have to know, what did you do in Texas?" 

The cowboy looked at him square in the eyes and replied, "I walked home".

Mozart's Passing

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,

listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned  on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.

"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

USMC Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 

"You talk?" he asks. 

"Yep," the Lab replies. 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" 

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services .. The United States Marine Corps. You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs." 

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. 

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. 

So, I decided to settle down.  I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." 

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.  I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." 

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 

"Ten dollars," the guy says. 

"Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar!  He never did any of that crap.  He was in the Navy!"

Missing Wife

Husband:    My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Officer:    Age?  

Husband:    I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60.  We don't do birthdays.

Officer:   Height?  

Husband:     I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall.

Officer:   Weight?

Husband:     Don't know.  Not slim, not really fat.

Officer:    Color of eyes?

Husband:    Sort of brown I think  Never really noticed.

Officer:    Color of hair?

Husband:   Changes a couple times a year.  Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Officer:    What was she wearing?

Husband:    Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts.  I don't know exactly.

Officer:    What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:     She went in my truck.

Officer:    What kind of truck was it?

Husband :    A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning.  It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets.  I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Officer:    Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck.

Bear on the Roof

A man in Malmo, Minnesota woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

 

He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."

He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd be over within an hour.

 

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van. He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

 

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat, and when the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

 

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof first, shoot that damn dog!" 

Motorcycle Accident

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

 

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

 

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for.

 

"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said,

 

Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.

 

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

 

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

 

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

 

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,"I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now.

 

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, fluttering the most gorgeous eyelashes I've ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

 

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

No Dumping

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head." 

"Yep," he replied. "That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says:  ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’" 

Pulled Over

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. 
  
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" 

The driver replied, "Bout whut?" 

Flat Tire

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. 

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.  The man replied, "I got a flat tahr.”          

The passerby asked, "But what’s with the flowers?" 

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither." 

Stolen Pickup

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" 

Bubba replied, "Did y’all see who it was?" 

The young man answered, "I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number." 

I'd Rather be in Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..." 

When asked why, he replied, "I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world." 

Math Help

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. 

He called her into his office and said, "Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" 

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings.”

His New Corvette

A Florida citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.     


Taking off down the road he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the blowing wind through what little hair he had left.  'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. 


Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I’m too old for this!' and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. 


Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.   


Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before– I’ll let you go.." 


The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." 


"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper. 

New Hearing Aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!" 

I Don't Wanna Go To School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" 

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!" 

The Talking Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." 

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know." 

Calling His Lawyer

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

Going to the Pub

A fed up wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff."

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

Sunday Service

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.  All the children were invited to come forward.

One  little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat  down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Thunderstorm

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

Getting into Heaven

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

Drink of Water

 A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....

"Da-ad...."

"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

Poor Cat

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. 

She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

Sensitivity Training

One day Steve falls off his motorcycle and is killed instantly.

 

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

 

Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow.'"

"She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'"

 

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

What Sound Does it Make?

A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher.

She was going around in turn asking them all questions.

"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"

"It goes moo."

"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"

"It goes meow."

"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"

"It goes baaa."

"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"

"Errr.., it goes.. click!"

Sixth Grade Science Class

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

 

One, you have a dirty mind,

Two, you didn't read your homework,

 

and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? 

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 

DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 

ROTTWEILER: Make me. 

LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? 

BULL TERRIER:  Is *that* was those were.  Kinda crunchy. I liked the way it popped.  Do you have any more?  Yum!

GERMAN SHEPHERD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter  patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 

TIBETAN TERRIER: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. 

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. 

POODLE: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. 

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. 

DOBERMAN: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. 

BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. 

IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.

POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.

GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares? 

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? 

HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z 

CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?  

All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have Masters, cats have Staff.

Dating Service

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars.

Three Chairs

At a mental health hospital a psychiatrist sets a test to determine the mental progress of his three top patients. He gets three chairs and repaints them. Before they dry, he repositions them in a room in such a way that one is in front of the other. After this, he calls the three patients and asks them to seat down. The first two gladly sit on the wet chairs at the front. However, the third who comes in last takes one look at the wet chair and then proceeds to the corner of the room where there is a pile of papers. He takes one sheet which he drapes on the wet chair before sitting. Surprised by the action of the third, the doctor asks him why he draped the sheet of paper on the wet chair, "that's easy," came the reply, "seeing that am seated at the back, I needed to be a bit raised if I wanted to see what's happening at the front."

Gone Swimming

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After he ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and  the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

All the States

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time...

One day he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History...

Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of ALL the states.

From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!"

Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

Closing Time

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.

The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn'’t let a person in your condition in—“.

“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

Talking Clock

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. 

Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed ...

"You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

The Drummer

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor." 

Driving Home

Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall!

Baaaaam! They hit the wall. 

The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? 

Jim answered him: - It was you driving!

How to Beat the Meter Maids

1. Select your parking spot.

2. Park your car.

3. Get out of the car and lock it.

4. Head off to where you are going, and take your windshield wipers with you!

An Act of Kindness

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Dry Land

A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"

A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does."

"When?" asked the visitor.

"Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about half an inch that time."

Speeding Ticket

A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

Bathroom Scale

My son noticed me standing on the bathroom scale, pulling in my rather ample belly.

Smart ass that he is, he said, "I don't think that's going to help much."

I said, "Sure it does.  How else can I see the numbers on the scale?"

My Daughter

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. 

"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does.  Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"

How Tall Is It?

An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.

All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends.  He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.

The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.

Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams.  These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed.  When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied:  "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for happy hour!"

Road Accident

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?"

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!"

Taking It With You

There once was a rich man who was near death.  He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven.  So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.  "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."  The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.  St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.  Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"

Barrel of Beer

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the Mrs.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake the neighbors."

"I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs" he shouted.

"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted back.

"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"

Got Any Duck Food?

A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the clerk "Got any duck food?" to which the clerk replies "No"

The next day the duck walks into the hardware store and asks the clerk again, "Got any duck food?" The clerk impatiently replies, "No!"

The duck goes into the hardware store for a third time and asks the clerk, "Got any duck food?" The clerk whirls around and says, "If you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck comes back a fourth time and asks the clerk, "Got any nails?" The surprised clerk answers, "No, we just ran out." to which the duck replies, "Got any duck food?"

The Train Journey

I was raised during the depression before World War II. In those days there was no such thing as non-stop cross-country air flights. If you wanted to go back east, the train was the only comfortable and reasonable way to go.

I remember when I was twelve years old. I had received all "A"s on my report card and my parents had promised that if I did well in school that year, I could spend the summer with my grandparents in Ohio.

So they got me a ticket on the Western Pacific for a trip from Los Angeles to Akron. Of course we could not afford a compartment or berth, so they purchased a ticket for the cheapest seat, on the caboose, the last car of the long passenger train.

I boarded the train and found an empty seat. A few minutes later, I was joined by an old man, at least in his fifties, very neatly and precisely dressed. He sat down in the seat directly across from me. The long trip started with only the two of us in the caboose car.

Across his knees he carried a briefcase upon which he nervously drummed his fingers. Since he looked to be rather an angry sort of man, I didn't want to start a conversation.

Presently, the man opened the briefcase and took out two paper napkins, a pocket knife and an apple. Carefully, he peeled and cored the apple. He placed all the peelings and the core on one of the two napkins and folded it into a neat parcel. Then he moved his briefcase to one side, stood up, and walked to the end of the coach. By craning my neck, I was able to watch him move out onto the little platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of peelings onto the tracks.

When the man returned he dusted his hands, sat down and lifted the briefcase back up across his knees. He picked up the peeled and cored apple, carefully cut it into thin slices, placed the slices onto the second napkin and made a similar neat parcel. To my amazement he then repeated his routine. He moved to the end of the coach and threw the parcel onto the tracks.

When he returned, he picked up his briefcase, took out two more napkins and an orange which he began to peel. He placed all the peelings on one of the two napkins and folded it into a neat parcel. Then he moved his briefcase to one side, stood up, and walked to the end of the coach. i watched him move onto the little platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of peel onto the tracks.

The man returned to his seat, dusted his hands, sat down and lifted the briefcase back up across his knees. He picked up the peeled orange, and carefully separated it into separate sections. Then he cut each section into three equally sized pieces being careful that the cuts were evenly placed. When he was finished, he carefully placed the slices onto the second napkin and made another neat parcel. He again got up, moved to the end of the coach and onto the little platform at the end of the car and threw the parcel of oranges onto the tract.

A little later, the man again opened his briefcase and took out two paper napkins and a banana. Carefully he peeled the banana. He placed the banana peel carefully on one of the two napkins and folded it into a neat parcel. Then he moved his briefcase to one side, stood up, and again walked to the end of the coach. As I watched, he moved onto the little platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of banana peel onto the tracts.

He then proceeded to sit down in his seat, pick up his briefcase and carefully place it on his lap. He removed the peeled banana picked up his knife and carefully cut it into thin slices. When this was completed, he carefully placed the banana slices onto the napkin, folded it carefully, got up and walked to the platform at the end of the care where he repeated his routine of throwing the parcel onto the tracks.

He returned to his seat, rested for a few minutes and then again picked up his briefcase and placed it onto his lap. This time he took out three napkins and unfolded them. He then took a bunch of green grapes out of his briefcase. He proceeded to remove each grape from its stem, being careful not to leave any remnants of the stem attached. He then proceeded to place all the stems carefully onto the napkin, fold the napkin into a neat parcel, get up and repeat his routine of throwing the parcel onto the tracks.

When he returned, He again picked up the briefcase and took out the grapes. He then proceeded to carefully peel each grape separately being careful that no part of the skin remained on any of the grapes. When he was finished, he placed all the peels onto the second napkin, and repeated his routine of throwing the peels, now wrapped into a neat parcel onto the tracts.

He returned to his seat, picked up his briefcase, placed it temporarily onto his lap, and removed the peeled grapes. He then proceeded to carefully cut each grape precisely in half. When this was done he neatly placed the cut grapes onto the third napkin, wrapped it into a small parcel and proceeded to get up, walk to the platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of grapes onto the tract.

He returned to his seat, sat back and thought for a few moments and then reached down, placed his briefcase on his lap and this time removed a large peach.

At last I could contain himself no longer and had to ask the man what he was doing.

"I'm making a fruit salad," said the man.

"Then why do you keep throwing it away?" I asked.

"I should think that was obvious," snapped the man, "I'm throwing it away because I don't like fruit salad!"

New York City

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk. He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"

"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."

Fishing License

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!"  the warden asked.

    

"Yes, sir.  Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

   

"That's a bunch of hooey!  Fish can't do that!"

    

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you.  It really works."

   

"O.K.  I've GOT to see this!"  The game warden said.

    

The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited.

   

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"    

"Well, What?" the man responded.

    

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

   

"Call who back?" The man asked.

 

"The fish." replied the warden.

    

"What fish?"  The man asked.

Books, Books, Books

John, for heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in awhile? whined Mari.

"Huh?" John responded.

Look around you! she yells as she points around the room. "All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm alive!"

"Oh.  I'm sorry."

You know sometimes I wish I were a book Then you'd at least look at me.

Hmmm," John mumbled in deep thought, "that's not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting...."

Wanting a Sister

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean  like my other Daddy does?"

The Hotel Stay

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?" 

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... That's a maintenance matter."

Attacked by an Alligator

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small 22 cal Beretta Pistol :

  

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

  

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

  

Here's her story in her own words:

  

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.  She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

  

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was a big bonus!"

Harley Davidson Closing Plant Due to Declining Sales

Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.

 

A recent study was done to find out why.

 

Here are 25 reasons why Millennials don't ride Harleys:

 

1.  Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.

 

2.  Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

 

3.  Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.

 

4.  They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

 

5.  Don't have enough strength to hold the bike up when stopped.

 

6.  Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency medical care or extensive psychological counseling.

 

7.  Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

 

8.  They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college working on a degree in Humanities, Art History, or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.

 

9.  They are allergic to fresh air.

 

10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

 

11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.

 

12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen or voice commands.

 

13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.

 

14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

 

15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.

 

16. Harleys don't have power steering or power brakes.

 

17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

 

18. They would have to use leg muscles to back up.

 

19. When stopped, a light breeze might blow exhaust fumes in their face and cause nearly instantaneous cancer.

 

20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-softened water.

 

21. Harleys burn gasoline and that supports the big oil companies.

 

22. Can't use both thumbs for texting while riding.

 

23. Can't use a Harley to earn extra money driving for Uber or Lyft.

 

24. Harleys don't provide enough sun protection for those spending most of their time playing video games in their Mom's basement.

 

25. The Harley roar would scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

Just What the Doctor Ordered

Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “"You'’re really doing great, aren'’t you?”"

Maurice replied, "“Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”"

The doctor said, "“I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”"

The Boss of Me

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage...

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.

It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

Driving a Truck

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me. Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."

The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."

The man tries it, and is cured.

Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"

The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your hands."

Two weeks later the man goes back to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the day. Can't you do something?"

"You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd take a couple of them off your hands."

"But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York."

Bad News

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said. “Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.” 

Two Dollars

One day a rich famous man went to buy an expensive sport's car from a car dealership...

The price of the car was $80,000 and the man had only $79,998 to pay with...

The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80,000.

The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help...

He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he would be kind enough to lend him $2.

The poor man asked the rich man the reason, and the rich man replied that he needed the money to buy a car. 

The poor man thought for a moment.  Then he gave the man $4 and said, " Please buy one for me, too!"

Bungee Jumping

The two inventors of the bungee rope went to Mexico to test their invention. They built a 50-foot tower and, once completed, one of the guys stood on the edge of the platform and dove into the air with the rope tied to his feet. The other guy, standing up on the platform, waited until his friend returned up so that he could grab him. The first time his friend sprung up, he tried to grab him but missed and noticed that his head was swollen. The next time, he missed again and again there was a bruise on his head and face. This time, with much concern, he dove forward to get his partner, pulled him in and asked, "What happened? Is the cord too long?" His partner replied with his face all bloody, "What is piņata?" 

Blonde in the Emergency Room

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, "I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. 

So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.""

Golf Cart Accident

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy. 

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's Jack , and I am Okay thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it." 

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. 

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it." 

After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. 

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." 

"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" 

"Under the cart" I said.

Bear Warning

The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area. 

Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears. 

To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read - small bear droppings are small with nuts and berries in it. 

Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it. 

The Funeral

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that  has passed will never pass again. 

Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the  Nova Scotia back country. 

 

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. 

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. 

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. 

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. 

 

And as I played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. 

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." 

 

Apparently, I'm still lost... it's a man thing. 

A Sad Story

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. 

After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. 

Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. 

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. 

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"