Three Flat Tires and Two Headlights

A young waiter just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver. 

The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked; "Can I take your order sir?" 

The truck driver replied, "Sure kid, I want three flat tires and two headlights." 

The young man was very puzzled and said, "I beg your pardon?" 

The truck driver said again, "Look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights." 

The young man was still puzzled, but replied; "Yes sir, whatever." 

The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook. 

He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights, “I think he's in the wrong place.” 

The head cook said, "I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him." 

The cook said to the waiter "Here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this." 

The truck driver said, "Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights." 

The waiter replied, "Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!"

An A, B, C, Wife

After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

 

She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"

 

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

 

She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?" 

 

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!" 

 

The swelling in his eyes is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic that with a lot of physical therapy he will walk again.

Party Animals

One day a snake, a turtle and a centipede are having a party.

After two cases of beer are gone, they needed more beer.

So they discuss who's going to go get the beer.

The turtle says, "I will go, you both just wait here."

Two hours later, the turtle wasn't back yet, so the centipede says, “I will go.”

So they open the door and see the turtle is still walking out of the door.

Because turtles walk too slow the centipede says, “You both wait for me to come back, I've got a lot of legs, so i can walk fast.”

The snake and the turtle wait for another two hours.

Finally the snake says, “What is taking the centipede so long?

So they open the door and check, the centipede is still at the front of the door still trying to put on all his shoes.

Finally the snake says, “let me go, I can walk fast, and i dont have feet to put shoes on.”

So the snake leaves.

After three hours, the snake wasn't back yet.

Both of them went to the store to find the snake.

And they saw snake stand there.

The snake says, "Don't give me those dirty looks, it only took me 5 minutes to get to the store, but I am still figuring out how to bring the beer back."

Sailor Parrot

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Smart Mother

Mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them.

The mother mouse goes, "WOOF!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language."

Guinness

A wealthy Texan walks into a small pub in Ireland. He slaps down $500 on the bar and announces, “I got 500 American dollars here, for any of you fellers who can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row”.

Nobody says anything. Everybody looks away, or looks at the floor. One guy leaves.

The Texan orders a drink and starts chatting with the locals. About 5 or 10 minutes later, the guy who left earlier returns. Small, skinny guy. He shyly taps on the Texan’s shoulder and asks him, “Pardon me, sir…but does your offer still stand?”

The Texan stands up and slaps him on the shoulder. “It sure does… set ’em up, Joe!” The bartender expertly pours and sets up ten pints in a row of foaming Guinness. The little guy walks down the line and knocks back every one of them pretty briskly, barely slowing down through the ninth and tenth. He stands there smiling and burps once.

“Well, here’s your money, Seamus!” says the Texan. “But I gotta ask you, where’d you disappear to there for a while?”

“Well, I had to nip over to the other pub… to make sure I could do it.”

20 Hours to Live

 Mr. Jones goes into his doctor's office.

The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?"

The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first."

"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies.

The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?"

The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."