Fishing License

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!"  the warden asked.

    

"Yes, sir.  Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

   

"That's a bunch of hooey!  Fish can't do that!"

    

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you.  It really works."

   

"O.K.  I've GOT to see this!"  The game warden said.

    

The man poured the fish in to the lake and stood and waited.

   

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"    

"Well, What?" the man responded.

    

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

   

"Call who back?" The man asked.

 

"The fish." replied the warden.

    

"What fish?"  The man asked.

Books, Books, Books

John, for heaven's sake, why can't you just talk to me once in awhile? whined Mari.

"Huh?" John responded.

Look around you! she yells as she points around the room. "All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don't even know I'm alive!"

"Oh.  I'm sorry."

You know sometimes I wish I were a book Then you'd at least look at me.

Hmmm," John mumbled in deep thought, "that's not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting...."

Wanting a Sister

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean  like my other Daddy does?"

The Hotel Stay

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?" 

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... That's a maintenance matter."

Attacked by an Alligator

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small 22 cal Beretta Pistol :

  

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

  

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

  

Here's her story in her own words:

  

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages with my soon-to-be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open.  She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

  

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was a big bonus!"

Harley Davidson Closing Plant Due to Declining Sales

Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.

 

A recent study was done to find out why.

 

Here are 25 reasons why Millennials don't ride Harleys:

 

1.  Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.

 

2.  Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

 

3.  Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.

 

4.  They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

 

5.  Don't have enough strength to hold the bike up when stopped.

 

6.  Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency medical care or extensive psychological counseling.

 

7.  Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

 

8.  They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college working on a degree in Humanities, Art History, or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.

 

9.  They are allergic to fresh air.

 

10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

 

11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.

 

12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen or voice commands.

 

13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.

 

14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

 

15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.

 

16. Harleys don't have power steering or power brakes.

 

17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

 

18. They would have to use leg muscles to back up.

 

19. When stopped, a light breeze might blow exhaust fumes in their face and cause nearly instantaneous cancer.

 

20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-softened water.

 

21. Harleys burn gasoline and that supports the big oil companies.

 

22. Can't use both thumbs for texting while riding.

 

23. Can't use a Harley to earn extra money driving for Uber or Lyft.

 

24. Harleys don't provide enough sun protection for those spending most of their time playing video games in their Mom's basement.

 

25. The Harley roar would scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

Just What the Doctor Ordered

Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “"You'’re really doing great, aren'’t you?”"

Maurice replied, "“Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”"

The doctor said, "“I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”"