Drinking

After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking and fight for nothing.

Women can do all these without drinking!

Admission Test

There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course. 

He was smart enough to get through the written test, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy. 

"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind." 

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question." 

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?" 

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir." 

"How?" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.) 

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!" 

Admission for the course was thus secured.

The Vet's Opinion

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog on the table, the veterinary pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, he shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry sir, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, sniffing the poor dog on the table and checking him out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and softly uttered "Woof." The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, which walked around the poor dog several times and then sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian said, "There's nothing more I can do." He handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went ballistic. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, the cost would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."

The Boring Pastor

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. 

"The front row please." she answered. 

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." 

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said. 

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked. 

"No." she said. 

"Good," he answered. 

The Over 30 Crowd

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car..  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,

The Over 30 Crowd

Motel Six

The economy is so bad that: Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

Blood Circulation

Miss Figpot was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, boys and girls, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

The class sat quietly as the teacher asked, "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

The entire class was silent as they tried to figure out the answer. From the back of the class, Little Johnny shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."