Late Night Traffic Stop

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2:00 am and is asked where is is going at this time of the night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of the night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Class Photo

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 

"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'" 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

Exercise for People Over 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
 
With a 5 lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
 
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
 
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10 lb potato bags. Then try 50 lb potato bags. 
       
Then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
 
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. 

A Round of Golf

A Preacher decides to skip Sunday services and go to the golf course to hit a few...

When he gets there, he discovers there isn't anybody else around, and he has the entire course to himself..

But he does have witnesses... It seems God and Jesus are keeping an eye on him, and they don't approve of his church hooky-playing..

"Look at that guy," Jesus says, "He should be in church instead of out there. C'mon, Dad, let me hit him with a lightning bolt or something."

"No," God says, "I've something else in mind for him. Watch what happens when he makes his next shot."

He sets up a ball, drives it off the tee-It sails 200 yards and lands squarely in the hole.

"What kind of punishment is that, Dad?!" Jesus yells, "That has to be one of the greatest golf shots in history!!"

"That's right, son, indeed it is... and because he's alone, he can't tell anyone about it."

Lumber

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard. 

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says we're gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.

"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.

"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while... we're gonna build a barn."

 

Family Court

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?

Wife: Because I couldn't lift the table!

A Retiree's Last Trip to Costco

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Bodine and Roxy.

I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 30 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices, and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet, and that the way it works is, to load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's butt, and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.