Polar Bear Jokes

Q: What did the polar bear cub say to its mother at mealtime?

A: "Aw, no! Not seals again!"

Q: What's a balanced diet for a polar bear?

A: A seal in each paw!

Q: What did the polar bear say when it saw the igloo?

A: "Oooo! I love these things! Crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside!"

Q: Why shouldn't you take polar bears to the zoo?

A: Because they'd rather go to the movies.

Q: What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?

A: The dentist.

Q: What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?

A: "Sandwiches!"

Q: Why do polar bears have fur coats?

A: Because the seals laughed at them when they wore parkas!

Q: What's another reason polar bears have fur coats?

A: Because they would freeze in Hawaiian shirts!

Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?

A: A polar bear.

Q: What are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain?

A: Drizzly bears.

Q: What has four legs and a flipper?

A: A happy polar bear!

Q: How does a polar bear stop a VCR?

A: It just presses the "paws" button.

Q: How do you keep a polar bear from charging?

A: Insist that it pay cash!

Q: What did the polar bear put on the sign when seals were very scarce?

A: "Tourists Welcome!"

Q: What's white, furry, rides a walrus, and knocks a ball around the ice?

A: A polo bear!

Q: What's white, furry, smokes cigars, and stays up all night playing cards?

A: A poker bear!

Q: What's white, furry, likes to dance, and wears short leather pants?

A: A polka bear!

Q: What are white, furry, and have wheels on their paws?

A: Roller bears!

Q: What do you call a dream in which polar bears are attacking you?

A: A bitemare!

Q: What do polar bears like to eat in the cold?

A: A "brrr"-"grrr"!

Q: What did the polar bear say after a winter of feeding on seals?

A: "I think I'd like a salad!"

Q: What did the Polar Bear say when it saw a seal on a skateboard?

A: "Meals on Wheels!"

Q: What do you call a big mean polar bear?

A: Don't call it anything - just run!

Q: What do you call a polar bear wearing earmuffs?


A: Call it anything you want - it can't hear you.

Q: Why are polar bears big and furry?

A: Because if they were small and smooth, they'd be aspirins.

Q: Why do polar bears win so many races?

A: Because they're always in the "pole" position.

Q: When is a polar bear not a polar bear?

A: When it's in a "grizzly" mood.

Q: Why would polar bears be cheap to keep as pets?

A: They live on ice!

Q: What's the difference between a polar bear and a mailbox?

A: You don't know? Well, I'm not asking you to mail my letters!

Q: Have you ever seen a man eating polar bear?

A: No, but down at the restaurant I once saw a man eating chicken!

Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a rose?

A: I'm not sure - but I wouldn't try smelling it!

Q: What's white, furry, and throws balls of ice at igloos?

A: A bowler bear!

Q: What's white, furry, wears sunglasses, and lazes in the sun all summer long?

A: A solar bear!

Q: Polar bear cubs are born wet, naked, and in an icy cave. Then what happens?

A: Things get worse!

Q: Where do you find polar bears?

A: It depends on where you lost them.

Q: What do you get if you cross a polar bear and a harp seal?

A: A bear faced lyre!

Q: How do you put a polar bear into a refrigerator?

A: It's easy - just open the door. Polar bears like cold places.

Q: How do you put a walrus into a refrigerator?

A: Just open the door, tell the polar bear to get out, stuff the walrus in, and close the door.

Q: There is a big animal meeting in the Arctic. All the animals are supposed to be there but one animal isn't. Which one is missing?

A: The walrus - it's still locked in the refrigerator.

Q: You have to paddle your kayak across water where dangerous polar bears swim. How will you do this without becoming polar bear lunch?

A: Just paddle across. All the polar bears are at the big animal meeting. Don't you remember?

Telling The Truth

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual

table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Coffee Break

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Thanksgiving Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out stretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the Turkey did?"

Race With A Harley

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to pass the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of mountain road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that say "Maximum Speed 35 MPH."

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him was one thing, passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Schwinn bicycles as well. They really make a great bicycle.

When it Rains It Pours

A newcomer to Portland arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.

She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"

The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only six."

Fishing

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"