The Wreck

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My Goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the lady chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the lady began. "I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this tree from out of nowhere pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "there isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror."

How To Cook A Turkey

1. Go buy a turkey
2. Take a drink of whisky
3. Put turkey in the oven
4. Take another 2 drinks of whisky
5. Set the degree at 375 ovens
6. Take 3 more whiskys of drink
7. Turk the bastey
8. Whisky another bottle of get
9. Ponder the meat thermometer
10. Glass yourself a pour of whisky
11. Bake the whisky for 4 hours
12. Take the oven out of the turkey
13. Floor the turkey up off of the pick
14. Turk the carvey
15. Get yourself another scottle of botch
16. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
17. Bless the dinner and pass out

12 Reasons to be Thankful You Burnt the Turkey

1. Salmonella won't be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

The Trap

A Pilgrim woman told her husband it would be nice to invite the Indians over for dinner to thank them for all their help since the arrival at Plymouth Rock. She asked him to go hunting and catch a nice big pheasant so they could have a celebration. The husband, having just gotten off the boat, wasn't much of a hunter, but he did his best and set a snare along a small path in the woods.

A short while later, a pheasant came down the path and noticed the circle of strings. "Gee," it said, "That looks like a trap. Someone could get hurt in one of those." And the pheasant gingerly stepped around the trap.

Soon, another pheasant came down the path and saw the snare. "Gosh!" it said. "A bird could get caught in one of those. These things shouldn't be left lying around!" The pheasant carefully stepped around the trap and went on its way.

Then, a turkey came down the path. Upon seeing the snare, it said, "Wow! A trap! I wonder if it works..."

A Proper Goldfish Burial

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Timmy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Cat Sayings

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

One cat just leads to another.

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.

The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

Time spent with cats is never wasted.

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

'Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving

'Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through our house

No turkey is baking; I feel like a louse,

For I am all nestled, so snug in my bed;

I’m not gettin' up and I’m not bakin' bread.

No pies in my oven, no cranberry sauce

Cuz I give the orders, and I am the boss.

When out in the kitchen, there arose such a clatter

I almost got up to see what was the matter.

As I drew in my head and was tossing around

To the bed came my husband, he grimaced, he frowned.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

He scared me to death and I thought, "Here he goes!"

He spoke not a word as he threw back my quilt

And the look that he gave was intended to wilt.

So up to the ceiling my pillows he threw

I knew I had had it, his face had turned blue.

"You prancer, you dodger, you’re lazy, you vixen

Out yonder in kitchen, Thanksgiving you’re fixin."

But he heard me explain, with my face in a pout:

"I'm just plain too tired and we're eating out!"