Math Help

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. 

He called her into his office and said, "Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" 

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings.”

His New Corvette

A Florida citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.     


Taking off down the road he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the blowing wind through what little hair he had left.  'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. 


Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I’m too old for this!' and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival. 


Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.   


Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I’ve never heard before– I’ll let you go.." 


The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." 


"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper. 

New Hearing Aid

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. 

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!" 

I Don't Wanna Go To School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" 

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!" 

The Talking Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." 

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know." 

Calling His Lawyer

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

Going to the Pub

A fed up wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff."

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"