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Saturday, August 7, 2021

How Tall Is It?

An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.

All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends.  He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.

The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.

Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams.  These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed.  When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied:  "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for happy hour!"

Friday, August 6, 2021

Road Accident

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?"

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!"

Thursday, August 5, 2021

Taking It With You

There once was a rich man who was near death.  He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven.  So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.  "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."  The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.  St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.  Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"

Wednesday, August 4, 2021

Barrel of Beer

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the Mrs.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake the neighbors."

"I'm trying to get a barrel of beer up the stairs" he shouted.

"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted back.

"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"

Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Got Any Duck Food?

A duck walks into a hardware store and says to the clerk "Got any duck food?" to which the clerk replies "No"

The next day the duck walks into the hardware store and asks the clerk again, "Got any duck food?" The clerk impatiently replies, "No!"

The duck goes into the hardware store for a third time and asks the clerk, "Got any duck food?" The clerk whirls around and says, "If you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck comes back a fourth time and asks the clerk, "Got any nails?" The surprised clerk answers, "No, we just ran out." to which the duck replies, "Got any duck food?"

Monday, August 2, 2021

The Train Journey

I was raised during the depression before World War II. In those days there was no such thing as non-stop cross-country air flights. If you wanted to go back east, the train was the only comfortable and reasonable way to go.

I remember when I was twelve years old. I had received all "A"s on my report card and my parents had promised that if I did well in school that year, I could spend the summer with my grandparents in Ohio.

So they got me a ticket on the Western Pacific for a trip from Los Angeles to Akron. Of course we could not afford a compartment or berth, so they purchased a ticket for the cheapest seat, on the caboose, the last car of the long passenger train.

I boarded the train and found an empty seat. A few minutes later, I was joined by an old man, at least in his fifties, very neatly and precisely dressed. He sat down in the seat directly across from me. The long trip started with only the two of us in the caboose car.

Across his knees he carried a briefcase upon which he nervously drummed his fingers. Since he looked to be rather an angry sort of man, I didn't want to start a conversation.

Presently, the man opened the briefcase and took out two paper napkins, a pocket knife and an apple. Carefully, he peeled and cored the apple. He placed all the peelings and the core on one of the two napkins and folded it into a neat parcel. Then he moved his briefcase to one side, stood up, and walked to the end of the coach. By craning my neck, I was able to watch him move out onto the little platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of peelings onto the tracks.

When the man returned he dusted his hands, sat down and lifted the briefcase back up across his knees. He picked up the peeled and cored apple, carefully cut it into thin slices, placed the slices onto the second napkin and made a similar neat parcel. To my amazement he then repeated his routine. He moved to the end of the coach and threw the parcel onto the tracks.

When he returned, he picked up his briefcase, took out two more napkins and an orange which he began to peel. He placed all the peelings on one of the two napkins and folded it into a neat parcel. Then he moved his briefcase to one side, stood up, and walked to the end of the coach. i watched him move onto the little platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of peel onto the tracks.

The man returned to his seat, dusted his hands, sat down and lifted the briefcase back up across his knees. He picked up the peeled orange, and carefully separated it into separate sections. Then he cut each section into three equally sized pieces being careful that the cuts were evenly placed. When he was finished, he carefully placed the slices onto the second napkin and made another neat parcel. He again got up, moved to the end of the coach and onto the little platform at the end of the car and threw the parcel of oranges onto the tract.

A little later, the man again opened his briefcase and took out two paper napkins and a banana. Carefully he peeled the banana. He placed the banana peel carefully on one of the two napkins and folded it into a neat parcel. Then he moved his briefcase to one side, stood up, and again walked to the end of the coach. As I watched, he moved onto the little platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of banana peel onto the tracts.

He then proceeded to sit down in his seat, pick up his briefcase and carefully place it on his lap. He removed the peeled banana picked up his knife and carefully cut it into thin slices. When this was completed, he carefully placed the banana slices onto the napkin, folded it carefully, got up and walked to the platform at the end of the care where he repeated his routine of throwing the parcel onto the tracks.

He returned to his seat, rested for a few minutes and then again picked up his briefcase and placed it onto his lap. This time he took out three napkins and unfolded them. He then took a bunch of green grapes out of his briefcase. He proceeded to remove each grape from its stem, being careful not to leave any remnants of the stem attached. He then proceeded to place all the stems carefully onto the napkin, fold the napkin into a neat parcel, get up and repeat his routine of throwing the parcel onto the tracks.

When he returned, He again picked up the briefcase and took out the grapes. He then proceeded to carefully peel each grape separately being careful that no part of the skin remained on any of the grapes. When he was finished, he placed all the peels onto the second napkin, and repeated his routine of throwing the peels, now wrapped into a neat parcel onto the tracts.

He returned to his seat, picked up his briefcase, placed it temporarily onto his lap, and removed the peeled grapes. He then proceeded to carefully cut each grape precisely in half. When this was done he neatly placed the cut grapes onto the third napkin, wrapped it into a small parcel and proceeded to get up, walk to the platform at the end of the car and throw the parcel of grapes onto the tract.

He returned to his seat, sat back and thought for a few moments and then reached down, placed his briefcase on his lap and this time removed a large peach.

At last I could contain himself no longer and had to ask the man what he was doing.

"I'm making a fruit salad," said the man.

"Then why do you keep throwing it away?" I asked.

"I should think that was obvious," snapped the man, "I'm throwing it away because I don't like fruit salad!"

Sunday, August 1, 2021

New York City

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk. He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!"

"Okay," the man says, "You take the front and I'll take the back."