Thought for the day...

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

The Bouncer

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Libyan, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a Tunisian, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Nigerian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Ugandan, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Malaysian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, and a South African walked up to a nightclub . . .

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

The Fisherman

The rain was pouring down.

There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass, cannot resist asking,

"So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth", says the old man!

Funeral Service

I want a closed casket funeral.

However, towards the end of the service, please have the organist play "Pop goes the weasel" over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.

Parrot

Erica is walking out of a movie theatre at the same time as a man with a parrot on his shoulder.

Erica turns to the man and says, "Your parrot actually seemed to understand the movie."

It looked around during the boring parts, it paid close attention to the dramatic parts, it even "squawked" during the funny parts. I don't understand how that can be.

The man turns to Erica and says "I don't understand it either.... he didn't like the book at all."

Medical Exam

 A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”

“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “but she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

As I age, I realize that:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment.  Now it's like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please, I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

12. At my age, "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.