The Fisherman

The rain was pouring down.

There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass, cannot resist asking,

"So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth", says the old man!

Funeral Service

I want a closed casket funeral.

However, towards the end of the service, please have the organist play "Pop goes the weasel" over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.

Parrot

Erica is walking out of a movie theatre at the same time as a man with a parrot on his shoulder.

Erica turns to the man and says, "Your parrot actually seemed to understand the movie."

It looked around during the boring parts, it paid close attention to the dramatic parts, it even "squawked" during the funny parts. I don't understand how that can be.

The man turns to Erica and says "I don't understand it either.... he didn't like the book at all."

Medical Exam

 A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”

“Me neither doc,” said the husband. “but she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”

As I age, I realize that:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment.  Now it's like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please, I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

12. At my age, "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.

Don't Mess with a Marine

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

Mother in Law

Last week my mother in law fell down a Wishing Well.

I was amazed. I never knew they worked.