Secret Service

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!" 


Top 30 Allusions to Stupidity

1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a happy meal.
3. A few beers short of a six pack.
4. A few peas short of a casserole.
5. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
6. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
7. One taco short of a combination plate.
8. A few feathers short of a duck.
9. All foam, no beer.
10. The cheese slid off his cracker.
11. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
12. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
13. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
14. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
15. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
16. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
17. As smart as bait.
18. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
19. His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
20. He forgot to pay his brain bill.
21. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
22. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
23. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
24. Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
25. Receiver is off the hook.
26. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
27. Skylight leaks a little.
28. Slinky's kinked.
29. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
30. One board short of a porch.

Tractors

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17 th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.

The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.

He was very upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!

You can imagine he was rather upset with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were gone.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.

He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe "I'm an extractor fan"

The Lesson

"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people." the teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"

After a reflective pause, Little Johnny volunteered, "Well for one thing, the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years

Counterfeiter

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phoney $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.

He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Sure, Mister. Ya'll want 2 nines, or 3 sixes?"

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"answered the child innocently.

"You did what?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little guy on your knee!"