Coming Home Late

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

The Perfect Christmas Tree

Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"

Jonah And The Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Speeding Corvette

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Off you go," said the officer.

Bike Ride

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains became just too much and he could go no further. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours, he hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The corvette owner found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speed from his radar gun and radio to the other officer that he has two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "... and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass!"

78 Ways To Know If You Drink Too Much Coffee

1. You answer the door before people knock.
2. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
3. The only kitchen appliances you own are made by Mr. Coffee.
4. You ski uphill.
5. You get a tax cut for all the coffee you bought.
6. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
7. You speed walk in your sleep.
8. You have a bumper sticker that says "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
9. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
10. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
11. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
12. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
13. You sleep with your eyes open.
14. When you open your dish cabinet you only find mugs.
15. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
16. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
17. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
18. You lick your coffeepot clean.
19. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
20. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
21. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
22. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
23. Your coffee cake must have coffee in it.
24. You chew on other people's fingernails.
25. Your T-shirt says "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
26. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
27. You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
28. The only gift you get for Valentines Day is chocolate covered beans.
29. You can jump-start your car without cables.
30. All your kids are named "Joe."
31. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
32. You don't sweat, you percolate.
33. You buy half and half by the barrel.
34. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
35. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
36. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
37. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
38. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
39. Every shirt or blouse you own has a coffee stain on it.
40. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
41. People get dizzy just watching you.
42. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
43. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
44. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
45. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio and people test their batteries in your ears.
46. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
47. Instant coffee takes too long.
48. When someone says "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
52. Your hand is permanently shaped to hold your mug.
53. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
54. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
55. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
56. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
57. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
58. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
62. You can jump to the moon.
63. You short out motion detectors.
64. You have a conniption over spilled milk.
65. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
66. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
67. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
68. You don't tan, you roast.
69. You don't get mad, you get steamed.
70. Your three favorite things in life are coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
71. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
72. You can't even remember your second cup.
73. You help your dog chase its tail.
74. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
75. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
76. You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
77. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
78. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

The Brave Pig

A traveler was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got off the main highway. As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly - it looked like a pig with a wooden leg!

He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where he was met by the farmer.

"Excuse me," the traveler said. "I was just driving by and looking at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?"

The farmer smiled. "Oh, that would be old Caesar you saw. He's the finest pig a man could ever hope to have - and smart! Well, let me tell you a little about that pig. You see that barge down there on the river? That's a mining dredge, taking out platinum ore. Old Caesar sniffed out the vein and showed us how to set it up. Now that dredge brings me in about $120,000 every year."

"There's another thing, too, a little more personal. One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That started a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and got me out. There is no question about it - that night old Caesar saved all our lives and you know that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget too easily."

"Why," the traveler said, "this is all amazing! I have never heard of a pig like this before! This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Was he in a wreck or something?"

The farmer laughed and said, "Well, naturally, when you have a pig that smart, you don't want to eat him all at once!"