Garden Of Eden

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Another Hotel Room

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

Dress Code

A guy goes into a classy bar. This bar has a dress code, and the maitre d' demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to sulk when inspiration strikes: He's got jumper cables in the trunk! So he wraps them around his neck, sort of like a string tie and returns to the bar.

The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to the guy; "Okay, you can come in, but just don't start anything!"

Blonde Kidnapping

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

Then she wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag, and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground." She signed it: A Blonde.

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 cash with a note that said, "How could you do this to another blonde?"

Forgive Me Father

In Italy, a elderly man went to a priest and confessed. "Forgive me, Father," he said, sobbing. "During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," the priest replied, "that's not a sin."

"But," the man admitted, "I made him pay rent."

"That wasn't very nice," the priest said, "but you put yourself at risk."

"Oh, thank you, Father." the man said. "But I have one more question."

"What is it?"

"Do you think I have to tell him the war is over?"

Why English Is Hard To Learn

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

$5.00 For The Bum

A bum asked a man for $5.00

"Will you buy booze with the money?" the man asked.

The bum said, "No."

"Will you gamble it away?"

The bum replied, "No."

"Will you bet on football games?" the man asked.

The bum said, "I don't watch football."

The man said, "I'll give you the $5. if you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or watch football."