What Day Is It?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door on his way the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opens the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrive. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. 

The woman coouldn'’t wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the candy, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. 

"I've never spent a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!"

'Twas The Month After Christmas

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste

At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber.)

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese

And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt

And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---

I said to myself, as I only can

'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.

I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,

I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---

But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

English Professor

One of the courses I taught when I was a college professor was Freshman English. To my first class of students I described the basic parts of an essay: "Remember, the three parts of an essay are the Introduction, the Body, and the Confusion". 

Flying Turtle

A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first into the ground.

Slightly dazed the turtle gets up and starts climbing the tree again. This time the turtle passes the first branch, and starts crawling along a higher, less sturdy branch. Once again he reaches the end, hesitates, and then jumps off flailing wildly and end over end until he smashes head first into the ground.

This time the turtle seems clearly shaken up, but resolutely starts climbing the tree again. He bypasses both the first and second branch and climbs out the highest, most shaky branch. This time when he reaches the end of the branch he looks over and waves at two birds watching him.

The birds look at one another when the male bird says: I think it's time we tell him he is adopted.

Honesty

Yup, some people can’t handle the truth! 

My Favorite Animal 

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." 

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. 

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. 

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. 

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. 

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. 

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. 

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. 

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." 

Guess where the heck I am now...

Federal Office Worker

A federal office worker finds a lamp in an old file drawer and as he examines it a genie pops out. For his first of three traditional wishes, he wants to be on a beautiful deserted Island. 

Poof! There he is. 

Next, of course, he wants the gorgeous babes, and Poof! There they are. 

Finally, he realizes he must sustain this great life and wishes he would never have to work.

Poof! He's back at the office. 

The Flag Pole

Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”

She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.

She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all woman’" he said,  “We need

the height and she gives us the length!”