The Laughing Feline

Letters To Santa

2010-12-25T06:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

Last Christmas you left me a sled. This Christmas please leave some snow.

Your pal,

Jed

Dear Santa,

I don't need any new toys this Christmas. All I want is my own credit card.

Your fan,

Frank

Dear Santa,

This Christmas I would like a toy that doesn't break when my father plays with it.

Love,

Michael

Dear Santa,

Last Christmas I asked you for a baby brother. This Christmas I want you to take him back.

Love,

Susan

Dear Santa,

Can you get me a trip to the moon on the next space shuttle? I've never been anywhere except Salt Lake City.

Your fan,

Howard

Dear Santa,

Why do you only leave presents for good boys and girls? It isn't fair to the real kids.

A real kid,

Jessie

Dear Santa,

I think you should leave a big present for my grandma. She knew you when you were a kid.

Love,

Jordan

Dear Santa,

How many days do you have to be good? I have been good for two days and I will try again on Monday.

I love you,

Christina

Dear Santa,

I want a bat that can hit home runs. The bat I got last year strikes out too much.

Your friend,

Willy

Dear Santa,

I am writing this letter to you for my cat Barney. Barney has been a good cat all year and I hope you will bring Barney some nice toys.

Love,

Paula

P.S. Barney would like a rubber mouse.

The Twelve Days Of A Computerized Christmas

2010-12-24T21:44:00.000-08:00

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Windows Vista for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

10 modes not supported

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

11 instructions faulty

10 modes not supported

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

12 sound cards silent

11 instructions faulty

10 modes not supported

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs and

Windows Vista for my PC

Alternate Version:

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

A Macintosh instead of a PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to

...hey, wait a minute, this thing works!

Holiday Guidelines

2010-12-23T01:48:00.000-08:00

Subject: Holiday Guidelines

To: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (it runs up an incredible long distance phone bill)
Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25.
Eggnog will not be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Twenty Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

2010-12-22T05:01:00.000-08:00

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Red Wagon For Christmas

2010-12-21T18:23:00.000-08:00

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures of the nativity set. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

He walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

The Four States Of Life

2010-12-20T10:26:00.000-08:00

You believe in Santa Claus.
You don't believe in Santa Claus.
You are Santa Claus.
You look like Santa Claus.

A Politically Correct Holiday Greeting

2010-12-19T05:27:00.000-08:00

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice , but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus... A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.

Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.

Christmas Tree Controversy

2010-12-18T04:16:00.000-08:00

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?

YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use

MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use

FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits

REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs

CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?

YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm

MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team

FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles

REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?

YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype

MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt

FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas

REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts

CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?

YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills

MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree

FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti

REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree

CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning

YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules

MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football

FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present

REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway

Santa Is Not A Woman

2010-12-17T04:18:00.000-08:00

Santa can't be a woman because:

No woman would be caught dead in the same outfit two years in row!
Women cannot drive cars let alone a sleigh powered by reindeer.
Santa carries a bag full of toys, not a purse full of toiletries!
Santa Claus wears no jewelry when he goes out. All women wear jewelry when the go out for the holidays.
Another reason why Santa Claus is a man is because only a Real Man could leave his family on Christmas Eve, stay out all night, and come back in, the next morning claiming to be out working all night.
Santa delivers toys at night. Women usually develop a headache at night that prohibits them from doing anything.

Santa Is A Woman

2010-12-16T03:23:00.000-08:00

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe Santa's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.

First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around exposing himself and carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

But not St. Nicolas. Not a chance.

Professional Painter

2010-12-15T11:17:00.000-08:00

A church congregation sent out requests to all the professional painters listed in their local Yellow Pages, requesting a bid on a price to repaint their church building. Almost all of the painters were within a few dollars of their competition, as expected, with the exception of one well-known, well-established, local company, which had been in business for years and had an excellent reputation in the community. This particular painter's bid was about half of what his competitions had bid, and naturally, was selected by the congregation to do the job.

On the morning the job began, the painter realized that he had underbid the job by 50%! Not wanting to lose the job, he decided to thin the paint out with water, so he would be able to complete the job for the price quoted.

One week later, he received a call from the priest, explaining that after the first rain, half of the paint had washed off the church. The painter returned, looked at the building, and sure enough, the job was ruined. He went inside to pray about the situation, knowing that his business' reputation was on the line. "What can I possibly do, Lord?" prayed the discouraged businessman.

Suddenly, God, in a loud voice from the altar replied, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

Falling

2010-12-14T03:13:00.000-08:00

John was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up from the basement and start decorating the house and tree. During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on his behind. Jill heard the noise and yelled, "What was that thump?"

"I just fell down the stairs," he explained.

"Anything broken?" asked Jill

John replied, "No, I'm fine."

There was just a slight pause before he heard Jill say, "No, I meant my decorations? Are any of them broken?"

Texas Traffic Stop

2010-12-13T12:37:00.000-08:00

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road, big mouth, you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that crap with me!'"

Safe Plane Flight

2010-12-13T10:25:00.000-08:00

Whenever I travel by plane someone always says, "Have a safe trip." Since when does a safe plane flight become my responsibility? I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to do! Go kick the tires, drug test the pilot, what? I feel I'm doing my part by not going up to the cockpit every five minutes and asking, "Are we there yet?"

Geography Test

2010-12-12T03:28:00.000-08:00

Jimmy came home from school with an F on his geography test. His mother was reviewing his work, and noticed that he had gotten one particularly easy question wrong.

"Jimmy," she asked, "Santa Cruz is in California."

"No, it isn't. It doesn't exist."

"Of course it exists. What makes you think it's imaginary?"

"That's what you told me, mommy," the boy replied.

"When did I tell you that?"

"Last Christmas, when I wanted to know why I didn't get a horse."

"No, I told you that Santa Claus doesn't exist, not Santa Cruz."

Martha Stewart's Christmas Letter To Erma Bombeck

2010-12-11T03:35:00.000-08:00

Hi Erma,

This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it, from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room.

By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve- course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.

Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.

Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.

Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long, I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good thing.

Love, Martha Stewart

P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.

Response from Erma Bombeck:

Dear Martha, I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list, pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter up for school, packing a lunch with one hand, on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how do they do that? Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor; trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing, frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispie snowball recipe, unless you happen to like a disgusting shade that resembles puke!

The smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later. Love, Erma

Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged

2010-12-10T10:29:00.000-08:00

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

Narcissistic: Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town, 0r, Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna out, then maybe I'll tell you why.

Depression: Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

Borderline Personality: Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

Relgious Bras

2010-12-09T17:39:00.000-08:00

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," replied the sales clerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple"

The Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen,
the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Rudolf to Blitzen

2010-12-08T03:52:00.000-08:00

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so). Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December.

Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen, had to be a female.

We should have known this when when they were able to find their way.

Christmas Shepherd

2010-12-07T10:18:00.000-08:00

One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Peter to Joe, "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

Thanksgiving Themed Movies

2010-11-19T03:50:00.000-08:00

To Kill A Walking Bird

My Best Friend's Dressing

The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

Casserolablanca

The Fabulous Baster Boys

12 Hungry Men

Silence of the Yams

For Love of The Game Hen

I Know What You Ate Last Winter

All the President's Menu

White Meat Can't Jump

When Harry Met Salad

The Story of U.S.

The Wing and I

T-shirt Season Almost Over

2010-09-18T05:22:00.000-07:00

With school back in session and a definite cooling in the evening air, we can predict more flannel and fewer short sleeves. A quick look back over a few of the great T-Shirts of this past summer

I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

(on a field of dandelions)

God Made Us Sisters

Prozac Made Us Friends

If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven

I Ain't Going

If It's Tourist Season

Why Can't We Hunt Them?

Senior Citizen

Give Me My Damn Discount

No, It Doesn't Hurt

(on a "well-tattooed gentleman")

If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

(on the back of a passing motorcyclist)

I Used To Be Schizophrenic

But We're OK Now

My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

(Over the outline of the state of California)

Veni, Vedi, Visa:

I Came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

I Didn't Climb to the Top of the

Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

(at countless backyard grills)

Front: Yale Is Just One Big Party

Back: With a $35,000 Cover Charge

Coffee, Chocolate, Men...

Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Liberal Arts Major...

Will Think For Money

Gravity...

It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

If At First You Don't Succeed,

Skydiving Isn't Your Sport

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

In America, Anyone Can Be President.

That's One of the Risks You Take.

First Things First

Not Necessarily in That Order

Dear Dogs and Cats

2010-09-17T06:58:00.000-07:00

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

Please note that I do not start at you when you eat, so please do the same for me.

When I say "No" in a loud, commanding voice, it does not mean "continue with what you were doing, only more diligently."

Teach Them Young

2010-09-16T16:46:00.000-07:00

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good." she says. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack." says the little boy.

The Ten Commandments

2010-09-15T03:37:00.000-07:00

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered: "Thou shall not kill."

Will I Live To 80?

2010-09-14T10:31:00.000-07:00

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing / ballooning / motorcycling / rock climbing?"

"No I don't." I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I have never done any of those things." He looked at me and said,

"Then why do you care if you live to be 80."

The Flower Shop

2010-09-13T07:07:00.000-07:00

Two members of a small monastery decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for their good works. The idea of buying beautiful flowers from gentle friars appealed to a lot of people in the town, and soon crowds were flocking to the shop.

Meanwhile, the florist across town saw his business virtually disappear when all his customers began buying flowers from the monks. He thought the monks had an unfair advantage, so he visited them and asked them to return to the monastery and leave business to businessmen. They politely declined.

So he visited the monastery and asked the Abbot to persuade the monks to abandon the business. He declined as well.

Next the florist sent his mother, his parish priest, and his children to visit the monks - each in turn asking them to cease their business so the original florist could make a living. It didn't work.

Finally, in desperation, the florist hired the town thug, Hughson McNasty, to use personal persuasion. Hugh McNasty showed up one night with a baseball bat, shattered the windows of

the monk's shop, tossed their flowers out into the street, and gave the monks black eyes, promising them he'd be back unless they closed their business.

Terrified, the monks shut their store and returned to the monastery. Proving, of course...

...only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Lamp

2010-09-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

A six year old boy called his mother from his friend Steven's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Steven's mom said it was irreplaceable."

The Story Of Two Horses

2010-09-11T11:01:00.000-07:00

Jake and Lucky were Kentucky bred race horses.

While young they led the proverbial "good life" for horses. They were free to frisk about in their assigned pasture to their hearts content, with all the sweet, luscious Kentucky blue grass to eat that any horse might desire.

Early in their training, it became obvious that Lucky was the faster of the two horses on the track. Jake did his best but, except on those few days when Lucky was "off his feed," he just could not seem to come in with a faster time.

One day, when they were alone in the pasture, Lucky said to Jake, "Let's race around the field, Jake!"

Jake replied, "I don't want to race you, Lucky. You always win so why should I even try to race you?"

Lucky answered, "It's such a beautiful day and I feel so great, Jake, that I'll just take it easy so you can win. Please race with me."

Jake said, "OK, Lucky, let's go!"

He took off in a whinny with Lucky in hot pursuit as they raced around the edge of the pasture. He lead most of the way but near the finish, Lucky pulled into the lead as they crossed the line.

After regaining their breath, Jake said, "You said you would take it easy and let me win, Lucky. Why didn't you keep your word?"

Lucky said, "I'm sorry, Jake, but in the heat of our race, I simply forgot. I'll not do it again."

Later that year, when the two horses were entered in their first race, Lucky won easily and Jake came in as an "also ran."

Several weeks later, when they were alone again in their pasture, Lucky once again was feeling at his frisky best.

He said to Jake, "Let's race, Jake!"

Jake sulked off, head held low.

Lucky stayed at his heels nibbling the sweet grass. With each succeeding bite of the savory grass Lucky's spirit rose. Finally he could stand no more.

"Jake, if you will just run with me around the pasture, we don't have to call it a race. I'll run along behind you. You can cross the finish line first."

Jake thought a minute and said, "It's such a beautiful day, Lucky. I'll take your word. Let's go!"

Off they ran through the knee deep grass with Jake in the lead and Lucky right on his heels. They whinnied with delight as they ran at full gallop.

Near the end of the course, Jake began to tire. Lucky had stamina to spare and passed Jake with ease. He crossed the finish line a full length ahead of Jake.

Needless to say, Jake was heartbroken. It was several days before he would even talk with Lucky.

When they finally made up, Lucky apologized endlessly. Jake accepted grudgingly but vowed he would never race Lucky again.

Lucky, went on to win almost every race in which he was entered: the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, the Belmont Stakes. He had a long and illustrious career.

Whenever he was not racing, he was often returned to the pasture with his best friend Jake. Jake delighted in hearing of Lucky's triumphs, but won very few races himself.

Years later, after both had been retired from racing, when they were standing near the barn in the shade, Lucky suggested to Jake that they should gallop around the pasture, just for old time's sake.

Jake replied, "You know I won't do that, Lucky, because you always win!"

"On my word of honor, Jake, this time will be different," Lucky said. "I'll control myself and let you cross the finish line first."

Reluctantly, Jake said, "Don't run very fast, though. My old bones hurt too much when I gallop like we did years ago."

Lucky agreed and they trotted off around the field.

When they had almost completed the circuit, Jake tired badly so he slowed to a walk.

Lucky still had lots of energy so he cantered on ahead. He again finished in the lead as they neared the barn.

When they had both stopped near the barn an old dog who had observed the unfolding saga for years said, "I could have told you, Jake. You should have known. Lucky can't be trusted. He will always win whenever he runs."

Jake turned to Lucky and said, "Look, Lucky, a talking dog!"

Nothing To Worry About

2010-09-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

While cruising at 35,500 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

Following Directions

2010-09-09T09:26:00.000-07:00

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

Diving With No Tanks?

2010-09-08T19:37:00.000-07:00

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Rules for Visitors

2010-09-07T07:11:00.000-07:00

To pacify my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets

They live here. You don't.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they

Eat less.
Don't ask for money all the time.
Are easier to train.
Usually come when called.
Never drive your car.
Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
Don't smoke or drink.
Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions.
Don't wear your clothes.
Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

No Email Address

2010-09-06T15:20:00.000-07:00

A man was laid off and having no choice and as a last gasp attempt went for an interview with Microsoft as a janitor. The interview went well until the end when they asked for his email address to let him know the following week if he had been successful. When he replied he didn't have an email address they looked shocked and told him if he didn't have email he couldn't have the job.

Destitute, he spent his last five dollars on some strawberries at Safeway and sold them on the street corner doubling his money. He reinvested the money the next day and was amazed when he doubled his money again. He eventually bought a cart, then a van and he is now one of the biggest fruit wholesalers in the country.

When at a business lunch, he was discussing a deal and the salesman gave him his card and said "Drop me an email and we'll organise a game of golf" to which he replied once again "I don't have email.

The shocked salesman said "What no email? Imagine where you would be if you had email!"

13 Rules To Live By

2010-09-05T14:55:00.000-07:00

Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
The four most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You're right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
If he/she says that you are too good for him/her, believe them.
Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
Never pass up an opportunity to go potty.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations. You have another chance.
Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
Work is good, but it's not that important.
Finally, be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Don't Step On The Duck

2010-09-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

Three friends died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they are all admitted. He cautions them, though, that there is only one rule: Don't step on the ducks.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"

"Yes," St. Peter replies, "there are millions of ducks up here walking around and, if one gets stepped on, he squawks. Then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

After entering, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys stepped on one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who stepped on the duck?" The one who had done it admitted "I did."

Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's' left hand. "I told you not to step on the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.

The other two men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had stepped on a duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the mans' right hand to the homely woman's' left hand. "I told you not to step on the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"

The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Talking Chicken

2010-09-03T19:56:00.000-07:00

A chicken walks into a library and looks at the librarian.

"Bawk!" the chicken says.

"Do you want a book?" asks the librarian.

"Bawk," the chicken agrees. The librarian gives it a book and it walks out.

About half an hour later the chicken comes back. "Bawk bawk!" the chicken says.

"Do you want two books?" asks the librarian.

"Bawk bawk" the chicken agrees.

The librarian gives it two books and it walks out. Another half hour later the chicken comes back again.

"Baawwwwk, bawk bawk!" the chicken says.

"Do you want a long book and two short ones?" asks the librarian.

"Baawwwk, bawk bawk" the chicken agrees. The librarian gives it a long book and two short ones and it walks out. The librarian is getting pretty curious about this chicken, so she follows it this time. It takes the books to a pond where a frog is waiting.

"Readit, readit." said the frog.

Perfect Breakfast

2010-09-02T09:03:00.000-07:00

You're sitting at the kitchen table.

Your son is on the cover of Wheaties.

Your daughter is on the cover of Forbes.

Your girlfriend is on the cover of Playboy.

And your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

Through All The Bad Times

2010-09-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he finally came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Most Powerful Animal

2010-08-31T17:34:00.000-07:00

One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.

"I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey."

"That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fast, but I have powerful teeth and claws."

"I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you."

Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the debate by eating them all...

hawk, lion, and stinker.

Motivation

2010-08-30T20:11:00.000-07:00

My son spends way too much time playing computer games. In order to motivate my son into spending more attention on his schoolwork, I told him "when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by candle light."

He looked up from his computer game and told me "when Lincoln was your age, he was President of The United States."

A Few

2010-08-29T15:58:00.000-07:00

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here. I'll go on a head."
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his Grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Needs A Push

2010-08-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 AM by a loud pounding on their front door. The man struggles out of bed and goes to the door, opens it, and finds an obviously drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain.

Almost snarling because of the inconvenience, the guy says to the drunk,

"Yeah, what do you want?"

"Would you give me a push?" the drunk slurs.

"Are you crazy? Not a chance," the husband answers. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" and slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asked the wife, not helping the situation in the least.

"Some drunk asking for a push," he mumbles.

"Did you help him?" the wife asks.

Now teetering on the edge of exploding, he says, "No! I didn't help him. It's three in the morning and raining like heck outside."

"Well, you've got a very short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember when we were on the way to a party and those two guys helped us? I think you should help this poor man!"

Now wide awake and knowing he'll be unable to go back to sleep, the husband mumbles under his breath, gets dressed, and stands on the front steps in the driving rain.

"Hey, are you still out there?"

"Yeah," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" asks the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

Unable to see anything or anyone in the dark, the husband says, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here. On the swing".

Swatting Flies

2010-08-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Alligator Shoes

2010-08-26T09:46:00.000-07:00

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Florida. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one."

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

Lost Handbag

2010-08-25T17:06:00.000-07:00

A lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young boy found it and returned it to her.

Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy replied, "That is funny. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

Too Much to Drink

2010-08-24T12:53:00.000-07:00

Late in the evening an officer noticed a man leaving a bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station, this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

The Harley Mechanic

2010-08-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

A mechanic was busy removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in the shop. The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike.

The mechanic, while still working on the engine, said, "Hey, doc. Can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the bench the fellow was working at, and shook his head indicating yes.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "Doc, look at this engine. I open it up to get at its innards, take out pistons, valves, rods, most all inside parts, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it runs just like new. Why do I get such a small salary as compared to you when you and I do basically the same type of work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!"

Close Shave

2010-08-22T05:28:00.000-07:00

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Shoplifting

2010-08-21T12:28:00.000-07:00

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

How to Bathe the Cat

2010-08-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Lift both lids and add shampoo.
Find and soothe the cat as you carry him to the bathroom.
In one swift move, place the cat in the toilet, close both lids and step on top so he can't escape.
The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore the ruckus from inside the toilet, the cat is enjoying this.)
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power rinse, which is quite effective.
Have someone open an outside door, stand as far from the toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and go outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Snow White's Prints

2010-08-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

Snow White took some photos of the Dwarfs and their home. She took the film to the local drug store to be developed and to get some prints made. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos.

The clerk said that the photos weren't back from the processor yet.

Needless to say she was very disappointed and started to cry.

The clerk, trying to console her, said "Don't worry Miss White. Someday your prints will come."

The New Car

2010-08-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic. He would probably have settled on just about any truck, even a used, beat up one, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look." she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

The Gas Cap

2010-08-17T17:50:00.000-07:00

A friend filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he might have left the gas cap on top of the gas pump. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it wasn't there.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must do the same thing, and that it wasn't worth going back to the original gas station but to just ask at the next gas station he came to if anyone had left behind a gas cap.

At the next gas station he came to he asked the attendant if anyone had left any gas caps behind. The attendant smiled, produced a box from under the counter and said he could help himself to any gas cap he liked. Obviously many others had forgotten their gas caps.

He looked through the box and took one that looked like it would fit. He tried it on and it went into place with a satisfying click. He thanked the attendant and went on his way.

"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks..."

A Cat Died and Went to Heaven

2010-08-16T07:25:00.000-07:00

A cat died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept rough. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

St. Peter said, "Say no more," and instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow to sleep on.

A few days later six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. St. Peter met the mice at the gates with the same offer that he'd made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we've had to run and hide all our lives from cats, dogs, owls, and even people! If we could have some little roller skates, we wouldn't have to run again."

St. Peter answered, "It is done," and all the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, St. Peter decided to look in on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. St. Peter gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, everything is wonderful. I have never been so happy. The pillow is so fluffy, and...those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!

Praise The Lord

2010-08-15T04:08:00.000-07:00

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts, "Praise the Lord!" The atheist yells back, "There is no God."

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says, "Praise the Lord."

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there are the groceries she's asked for. Of course she says, "Praise the Lord!"

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Hah. There is no God. I bought those groceries."

The lady looks at him and smiles. She says, "Praise the Lord! Not only did you provide for me Lord, but you made Satan pay for the groceries!"

Crazy Drivers

2010-08-14T08:50:00.000-07:00

As a senior citizen was driving down the highway, his cell phone rang. Answering it, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him.

"Harold, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 17. Please be careful!"

"Darn," said Harold, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Newspapers

2010-08-13T22:11:00.000-07:00

The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie chart format.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who are homosexual, or who happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

Colors

2010-08-12T01:47:00.000-07:00

As my granddaughter learned her colors, I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

Old Friends

2010-08-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Don't Take Life Too Seriously

2010-08-10T12:35:00.000-07:00

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like... Night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
43.6 % of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 % of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Remember, 1/2 the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of Jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Secrets For A Happy Marriage

2010-08-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
It is important that these three women never meet.

Airline Problems

2010-08-08T11:44:00.000-07:00

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she explained.

"Oh, and it took a while to fix it," said the passenger.

"Not exactly." replied the stewardess, "It just took us a bit to get a new pilot here."

Answering Machine Message

2010-08-07T10:31:00.000-07:00

"I am not available right now,

but thank you for caring enough to call.

I am making some changes in my life.

Please leave a message after the beep.

If I do not return your call,

you are one of the changes."

Late School Bus

2010-08-06T12:31:00.000-07:00

After he finished his route, a school bus driver had to explain to the supervisor why he was 10 minutes late...

"I was stuck behind a big truck," said the driver.

"Okay. But yesterday you were 10 minutes early!" reminded the boss.

"Yeah," replied the bus driver. "But yesterday I was stuck behind a Porsche!"

Forgiveness

2010-08-05T19:09:00.000-07:00

A preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied, he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Ms. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

"I don't have any."

"Ms. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?

"Ninety seven."

"Ms. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to ninety seven and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady teetered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy. I just outlived the sons of bitches."

My Workout

2010-08-04T12:02:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you about a secret I've discovered for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regimen, 3 days a week, if you would like.

I start by standing outside behind my house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.

After a while I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

This was real work, but the results were worth it!

Next week, I'll start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level."

Management Training

2010-08-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

Scotland Vs. England

2010-08-02T07:11:00.000-07:00

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

2010-08-01T16:44:00.000-07:00

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning." said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

Polar Bear Jokes

2010-07-31T09:41:00.000-07:00

Q: What did the polar bear cub say to its mother at mealtime?

A: "Aw, no! Not seals again!"

Q: What's a balanced diet for a polar bear?

A: A seal in each paw!

Q: What did the polar bear say when it saw the igloo?

A: "Oooo! I love these things! Crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside!"

Q: Why shouldn't you take polar bears to the zoo?

A: Because they'd rather go to the movies.

Q: What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?

A: The dentist.

Q: What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?

A: "Sandwiches!"

Q: Why do polar bears have fur coats?

A: Because the seals laughed at them when they wore parkas!

Q: What's another reason polar bears have fur coats?

A: Because they would freeze in Hawaiian shirts!

Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?

A: A polar bear.

Q: What are polar bears called when they get caught in the rain?

A: Drizzly bears.

Q: What has four legs and a flipper?

A: A happy polar bear!

Q: How does a polar bear stop a VCR?

A: It just presses the "paws" button.

Q: How do you keep a polar bear from charging?

A: Insist that it pay cash!

Q: What did the polar bear put on the sign when seals were very scarce?

A: "Tourists Welcome!"

Q: What's white, furry, rides a walrus, and knocks a ball around the ice?

A: A polo bear!

Q: What's white, furry, smokes cigars, and stays up all night playing cards?

A: A poker bear!

Q: What's white, furry, likes to dance, and wears short leather pants?

A: A polka bear!

Q: What are white, furry, and have wheels on their paws?

A: Roller bears!

Q: What do you call a dream in which polar bears are attacking you?

A: A bitemare!

Q: What do polar bears like to eat in the cold?

A: A "brrr"-"grrr"!

Q: What did the polar bear say after a winter of feeding on seals?

A: "I think I'd like a salad!"

Q: What did the Polar Bear say when it saw a seal on a skateboard?

A: "Meals on Wheels!"

Q: What do you call a big mean polar bear?

A: Don't call it anything - just run!

Q: What do you call a polar bear wearing earmuffs? 

A: Call it anything you want - it can't hear you.

Q: Why are polar bears big and furry?

A: Because if they were small and smooth, they'd be aspirins.

Q: Why do polar bears win so many races?

A: Because they're always in the "pole" position.

Q: When is a polar bear not a polar bear?

A: When it's in a "grizzly" mood.

Q: Why would polar bears be cheap to keep as pets?

A: They live on ice!

Q: What's the difference between a polar bear and a mailbox?

A: You don't know? Well, I'm not asking you to mail my letters!

Q: Have you ever seen a man eating polar bear?

A: No, but down at the restaurant I once saw a man eating chicken!

Q: What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a rose?

A: I'm not sure - but I wouldn't try smelling it!

Q: What's white, furry, and throws balls of ice at igloos?

A: A bowler bear!

Q: What's white, furry, wears sunglasses, and lazes in the sun all summer long?

A: A solar bear!

Q: Polar bear cubs are born wet, naked, and in an icy cave. Then what happens?

A: Things get worse!

Q: Where do you find polar bears?

A: It depends on where you lost them.

Q: What do you get if you cross a polar bear and a harp seal?

A: A bear faced lyre!

Q: How do you put a polar bear into a refrigerator?

A: It's easy - just open the door. Polar bears like cold places.

Q: How do you put a walrus into a refrigerator?

A: Just open the door, tell the polar bear to get out, stuff the walrus in, and close the door.

Q: There is a big animal meeting in the Arctic. All the animals are supposed to be there but one animal isn't. Which one is missing?

A: The walrus - it's still locked in the refrigerator.

Q: You have to paddle your kayak across water where dangerous polar bears swim. How will you do this without becoming polar bear lunch?

A: Just paddle across. All the polar bears are at the big animal meeting. Don't you remember?

Telling The Truth

2010-07-30T17:03:00.000-07:00

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.

His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual

table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Coffee Break

2010-07-29T11:14:00.000-07:00

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Thanksgiving Parrot

2010-07-28T09:44:00.000-07:00

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out stretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the Turkey did?"

Race With A Harley

2010-07-27T08:40:00.000-07:00

I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to pass the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of mountain road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the bends have warning signs that say "Maximum Speed 35 MPH."

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him was one thing, passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedaled so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Schwinn bicycles as well. They really make a great bicycle.

When it Rains It Pours

2010-07-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

A newcomer to Portland arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.

She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"

The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only six."

Fishing

2010-07-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

An Eloquent Truth

2010-07-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt about a tragedy.

He said, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one."

The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?"

The grandfather answered, "The one I feed."

Golden Wedding Anniversary

2010-07-23T07:29:00.000-07:00

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled.

My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

What Do Women Really Want

2010-07-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The Question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he’d have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur as horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water and often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur’s question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur’s life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.

Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached.

Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she’d been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself!

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

Isn’t that beautiful?

But really now, what is the moral of this story?

If you don’t respect women, things are gonna get ugly!

Hail Storm

2010-07-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

A blonde left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic jokingly told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.

So, she took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents. The other blonde responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows!"

I'm Being Poisoned

2010-07-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi offers, "Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can learn and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

Parking Tickets

2010-07-19T15:47:00.000-07:00

I went to the store the other day and was only there for about five minutes. When I came out, there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I said something to him that seriously questioned his intelligence.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

This went on for about twenty minutes, but I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.

2010-07-18T02:12:00.000-07:00

The restaurant where I took my two kids for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television...

A harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.

"Hey!" commented my youngest, "It sounds like someone just got their food!"

Special Pig

2010-07-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?" "No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"

"No, Michael. He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drowned. Sure did save my life."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?"

"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, too."

"OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

Witness

2010-07-16T17:47:00.000-07:00

A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"

"Yes Sir", answered the boy

"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"

"My father, sir," said the boy.

"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.

"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."