Letters To Santa

Dear Santa,

Last Christmas you left me a sled. This Christmas please leave some snow.

Your pal,

Jed

Dear Santa,

I don't need any new toys this Christmas. All I want is my own credit card.

Your fan,

Frank

Dear Santa,

This Christmas I would like a toy that doesn't break when my father plays with it.

Love,

Michael

Dear Santa,

Last Christmas I asked you for a baby brother. This Christmas I want you to take him back.

Love,

Susan

Dear Santa,

Can you get me a trip to the moon on the next space shuttle? I've never been anywhere except Salt Lake City.

Your fan,

Howard

Dear Santa,

Why do you only leave presents for good boys and girls? It isn't fair to the real kids.

A real kid,

Jessie

Dear Santa,

I think you should leave a big present for my grandma. She knew you when you were a kid.

Love,

Jordan

Dear Santa,

How many days do you have to be good? I have been good for two days and I will try again on Monday.

I love you,

Christina

Dear Santa,

I want a bat that can hit home runs. The bat I got last year strikes out too much.

Your friend,

Willy

Dear Santa,

I am writing this letter to you for my cat Barney. Barney has been a good cat all year and I hope you will bring Barney some nice toys.

Love,

Paula

P.S. Barney would like a rubber mouse.

The Twelve Days Of A Computerized Christmas

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Windows Vista for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

10 modes not supported

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

11 instructions faulty

10 modes not supported

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs

and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

12 sound cards silent

11 instructions faulty

10 modes not supported

9 apps a crashin'

8 Megs overflowin'

7 files missin'

6 ints conflictin'

5 eighty six

4 sectors bad

3 ports not responding

2 GPFs and

Windows Vista for my PC

Alternate Version:

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

A Macintosh instead of a PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to

...hey, wait a minute, this thing works!

Holiday Guidelines

Subject: Holiday Guidelines

To: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (it runs up an incredible long distance phone bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25.
6. Eggnog will not be dispensed in vending machines.
7. In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Twenty Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Red Wagon For Christmas

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures of the nativity set. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

He walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"

The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

The Four States Of Life

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

A Politically Correct Holiday Greeting

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice , but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus... A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.

Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.